GET WITH THE PROGRAM

Until I saw Conan O'Brien's opening number at the Emmy Awards last month, I had no idea that NBC was not in first place in the prime-time ratings. In fact, you might even say that among the four major network players last season, the Peacock was The Biggest Loser.
I'm a company guy. I want to help. So I've dedicated myself to littering today's column about Notre Dame Football with as many references to NBC shows as I can. I am proposing to my editor, Barry, that he pledge $10 to "JW's Linebacker Lounge Fund" for every NBC show that I cite (although some other networks' shows may creep in the text as well). It's not quite free publicity for the network, but it's awfully close (and, by the way, I'm already up $20).

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. After fifteen minutes of play in East Lansing last Saturday evening, the Fighting Irish looked Lost (they can't all be NBC shows). The offense had gone three-and-out three times already, the defense had allowed seven plays of ten yards or greater, and even Tom Zbikowski had committed a turnover on a fumbled punt. When Brady Quinn threw a lazy screen that Spartan end Ervin Baldwin picked off and returned 19 yards to the house (oh yeah, that's Fox), the Irish found themselves down by the score of 24 (unavoidable, sorry) to 7.
Spartan Stadium was a madhouse. Michigan State legend Magic Johnson, who is friends with fellow Michigan hoops hero Isiah Thomas, who was once gained notoriety for Crossing Jordan ($30) at the 1985 NBA All-Star Game, was in attendance. As was defensive line great Bubba Smith (How can you not be a Ray Liotta fan?), a fierce rusher whom it usually took Two and Half Men to block.
Suddenly last year's Fiesta Bowl team resembled a squad that would be grateful to land an invite to the Las Vegas ($40) Bowl. And in front of a prime-time audience, no less. This was a Football Night in America ($50) that the folks back at 30 Rock ($60) would rather forget. As Cheers (okay, $5 for a retired show; $65) rang out from the southeast corner of Spartan Stadium, where the Michigan State students were assembled, the men in the press box high above The West Wing ($70) began to wonder if someone had Kidnapped ($80) Notre Dame's supposed Heisman candidate.
Though both the Irish defense and offense sprang to life in the 3rd quarter, Notre Dame still trailed by 16 points, 37-21, at the start of the 4th. It had been 20 Good Years ($90) since a Notre Dame team had come back from such a large 4th-quarter deficit (37-20, at Southern Cal, which ended 38-37 in favor of the Irish)
The last nine minutes became a time for Heroes ($100) in gold helmets. On 4th down and 5 from the Spartan 43, Brady Quinn hit Jeff Samardzija on a crossing route that the man they call Shark (throwin' some love to James Woods) turned into a 43-yard touchdown. It was just another day at The Office ($110) for Samardzija, who would finish with seven catches for 113 yards and two touchdowns.
The Irish secondary, the Special Victims Unit ($120) of this program for years now, instigated not one but three turnovers. Safety Chinedum Ndukwe, who is close Friends ($125) with Quinn, forced and recovered a fumble at the Spartan 24. A few plays later Quinn connected with Rhema McKnight(s of Prosperity. Okay, that's a reach) for a 14-yard touchdown to close the gap to 37-33. Offensively, that was the Last Call ($135) Charlie Weis made this evening.
Then it came time for one of the defensive Scrubs ($145) to make his presence felt. Just three plays after McKnight's TD, reserve cornerback Terrail Lambert intercepted Drew Stanton's errant pass and returned it 27 yards for the game-winning score.
But Michigan State was not finished. Nor, as it turned out, was Lambert. The Spartans drove all the way to the Irish 44 with less than a minute remaining, but once more the junior defensive back displayed Criminal Intent ($155) by swiping a Stanton pass, this time to ice the game.
Immediately after the clock struck 0:00, three Michigan State players ran to midfield in order To Catch a Predator ($165) from among the Notre Dame roster who might, they thought, be conspiring to plant a flag there. The Irish, however, displayed Will & Grace ($170) after the comeback win. They simpy ran to sing the alma mater with the band and their fans before heading to the locker room to Meet the Press ($180).
And so Today ($190) Notre Dame is 3-1 and still in the hunt for a BCS bowl bid as opposed to having a disappointing 2-2 record. Sure, their No. 12 ranking is not as good as that No. 1 held by the school's women's soccer team, who play No. 6 West Virginia under the Friday Night Lights ($200) of Alumni Field later this week, but at the same time Irish hopes to compete in a major bowl have not Vanished.
So, what do you say, Barry>? Deal or No Deal? After all, it's only $210, as opposed to 90210 dollars.