February 2007 Archives

"Excuse me, you're Tiffany right? Can you please stand right here, Chris will be ready for you next."

And there I stood, facing a wooden door with a white piece of paper taped to the front. It read "CHRIS ROCK".

I was at the Regency Hotel on the Upper East Side at a press junket for Rock's new movie "I Think I Love My Wife". The 18th floor was devoted to housing all the PR people, (that would be the girls wearing the really important black headsets), the stylists, the makeup artist, the press and of course the stars of the movie: Chris Rock and Kerry Washington.

As I waited to go inside, I'm not gonna lie, I was nervous. At the Super Bowl, you just had to roll with whatever happened. But at something like this, there was a lot less going on and a lot more time waiting which just leads to thinking and that very thing leads to getting nervous.

The door opened and in I walked. Immediately you notice the clutter everywhere. But its not junk, its just a lot of stuff squeezed into a small room to make all the 'magic happen'. There are already two cameras set up and behind those cameras is the crew who just waits as people revolve in and out of the room. Two promo posters hung off to either side of the carefully placed chairs. More people with headsets sat around the room. Cable cords are everywhere, lights hanging, a black curtain makes a U around the middle of the room. And in the center of all of it is Chris.

"Hey, I'm Tiffany. Nice to meet you."
Chris gave me that classic sly smile and said, "Nice to meet you too." Ha.. I thought to myself. This is going to be fine.

Part of the pressure is you only get a set amount of time. As soon as the cameraman says "GO" you have exactly four minutes to get your interview. Four minutes on a treadmill after you've run for 36 minutes is a long time. You just want it to end and it won't. Four minutes with one of America's funniest comedians is a flash in the pan. You blink and the whole thing is over.

I get the official word: "GO".
"Hey Chris.."
"Hey Tiff.."
Normally close friends call me Tiff.. but hey if he wants to call me Tiff that's cool. And for the next four minutes we talk. A little about the movie (cause we have too) and then we get into sports. Did you know he's a big Mets fan? Yup. So if you want to know more... then you'll have to tune in to Breakfast With Tiffany to see the interview!

If you are at home eating a microwavable dinner tonight, you might want to check out a special on Bob Woodruff airing on ABC. Yes I realize this is on another network. And at the risk of getting in trouble, I believe the story is worth watching regardless of the channel.

Bob Woodruff is an extremely handsome man who was making a name for himself about this time a year ago. He was given the co-anchor position as News Anchor for ABC World News Tonight. After only 20-something days on the job as the news anchor, Woodruff and his crew were hit by a roadside bomb while covering a story on Iraq. He suffered such damage that half of his skull had to be removed in order for him to survive the swelling. At first he could not recall the names of his two twin daughters or even name one single state in the U.S. The next 13 months were a long road for both he and his family. His recovery is a tale of survival, endurance and definitely to a certain degree-miraculous.

Here's where you can go to read up on what will be airing tonight:
"To Iraq and Back" explores Woodruff's treatment for traumatic brain injury at Bethesda Naval Medical Center. The center has cared for more than 2,000 injured soldiers since the start of the Iraq campaign in 2003, according to hospital officials.

Yesterday on ESPN's "Mike & MIke", NFLPA excutive director Gene Upshaw appeared to discuss a possible "three-strike" policy for player behavior. The dialogue was instigated as a result of the latest transgression by the most talented NFL player named after a video game, Pac-Man Jones of the Tennessee Titans.

In case you've been devoting too much attention to the Britney Shears debacle (Bill Maher on her 'do: "At last, the drapes match the carpet"), this Pac-Man craziness has reached a level that I for one never came close to achieving on the actual Pac-Man game. Or Ms. Pac-Man, where I'm a solid 3rd-level type.

We've got bitten bouncers. We've got an explanation, for those of us out of the loop, on what it means to "make it rain" inside a strip club (not as obscene as you might fear...or hope). We've got your obligatory rapper witness (Nelly). We've got a stripper promoter (!) who mistakenly thought that the $81,000 in the bag was for him and his girls. We've got champagne-bottle wielding groupies. We've got shots fired outside the club, Minxx, shortly before 5 a.m. We've got a bouncer who was hit in the spine and is now paralyzed from the waist down. And we have Pac-Man in the midst of all of it.

Don't believe me? Read the Las Vegas Review-Journal's account:

http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2007/Feb-22-Thu-2007/news/12741485.html

All of which leads me to the following question:

Why should the NFL have a three-strike rule? That's baseball. Why not a four-down rule? After someone commits four completely heinous, immoral, misanthropic and/or violent deeds, the league punts him. Why should the NFL be kow-towing to MLB rules?

This, of course, leads to larger concerns: How does the PBA police itself? Ten strikes and not only are you not out, but you've rolled a perfect game?

All of which is to say that I don't take a "three-strike rule" very seriously unless there's a man in a chest-protector and facemask extremely close to the proceedings. Here's my feeling on all of this: All of us are capable--in fact, more than capable, we are almost inevitable--of making a mistake. And all of us who've made that mistake just simply want a second chance.

Now, you can go from Jesus ("turn the other cheek") to Shakespeare ("The quality of mercy is not strained...") to the Jackson Five ("Ooooh, baby, give me one more chance...") to listen to the wisdom of forgiveness. And I agree. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Unless they're playing Deal or No Deal . Those greedy bastards are lucky just to even be in that position.

Anyway, as I was saying...a second chance seems fair to me. You hope that the second chance was the wake-up call that the transgressor needed--and when, like Pac-Man, you're hanging out past 5 a.m., you definitely need a wake-up call. But beyond that?

I don't understand. What does a third chance teach anyone that the second chance didn't? No matter how decent an individual you happen to be, you may as well have one moment of infamy under the three-strike rule since it's a mulligan, anyway.

"Peyton Manning, what were you thinking inviting Fred Smoot and his closest female friends for a day-long cruise on your houseboat? If you do that again....and then yet again...you're going to be in some serious trouble."

Three strikes and you're out, I'm sorry, is no deterrent, whether you're a criminal or a pro football player (or both, as some happen to be). If I were commissioner of any pro sports league, I'd introduce a "two strikes and you're out" policy.

Interesting Footnotes (or at least I think so):

--Notre Dame point guard Kyle McAlarney is enduring his school's "one strike and you're out" policy this semester. MacAlarney, a sophomore point guard, was caught with a little grass in his car and has been automatically suspended for the semester. He can return to school next semester if he wants. You may believe that punishment's too harsh, but in such a world of draconian punitive measures, I can guarantee you that strip-club bouncers are far more safe.

--During my brief stint in the Air Force I observed a "one strike and you're out" policy, and I'm not just talking about discipline. During softball games for PT (physical training), the team at-bat would have one of their own players pitch. The catch was that each batter only got one pitch to hit. If the pitch was out of the strike zone, or if the batter fouled it off, or if he swung and missed...if he or she in any way failed to put the pitch in play, he was out.

You could play an entire six-inning game in under 25 minutes. Maybe the military was on to something.

Thursday is the day to tender restricted free agents (RFAs). The two most coveted ones are Atlanta quarterback Matt Schaub and San Diego running back Michael Turner. It looks like Schaub will get the high tender according to Steve Wyche. Meanwhile, Turner is a "unique situation" according to Lee Rasizer.
Some other RFAs of note are Dolphins receiver Wes Welker, Raiders DT Tommy Kelly, Indy's TE Ben Utecht,
Saints tackle Jon Stinchcomb, Jacksonville's Bobby McRay, the Chiefs' Jared Allen.
Restricted free agents are players with three accrued seasons and an expired contract. An RFA can negotiate with other teams until April 20. If a deal is struck, the RFAs original team has a chance to match the offer and retain the player. If the original team opts not to match, the RFA goes to the team that offered him but compensation in the form of draft picks goes to the original team based on the RFA level the player is "tendered" at. A high tender, which Schaub is, would mean a matching team coughs up a first and third-round pick in the draft. A medium tender loss would be compensated with a first-round pick and a low-tender offer nets a second-rounder. The corresponding salaries for the three tender levels are: high - $2.35 million, medium - $1.85 million; low - $1.3 million.

In other news...

"At one point, a black wig flew up into the air." You've come a long way, baby.

The heat gets turned up on the Bears front office as Carol Slezak drops the race card on the table. And while this blog isn't a fan of overpaying just because everyone else does, the point about Chicago paying Brian Urlacher while franchising Lance Briggs (and letting Rosey Colvin leave altogether) does leave dots to be connected.

Daniel Graham is ready to show his wares writes Albert Breer.

Duke is about to complete a perfect regular season.
Tennessee has the nation's best player in Candace Parker.

UConn? The Huskies still have Geno.

Remember UConn? Four national championships between 2000-2004? Yeah, them.

The Huskies have been mushing under the radar this season. Two losses within the span of ten days in early January deflected all the attention away from the program that's already won more national titles this decade (four) than most schools will the entire 21st century. But UConn still has Geno Auriemma .

I'll admit, I love Geno. In the stulftifyingly diplomatic world of women's college basketball, Geno is the champion of Women's Glib. Here's what he had to say before tonight's game here in Piscataway against Rutgers about their fans and New Jersey folk in general:

"(They're) born miserable and stay miserable all their life."

I find myself more in agreement with what Geno said than his noun and modifier (their lives) were. Tonight I spent the entire game sitting right in front of a Rutgers fan who was doing her best impersonation of the Aunt Linda character from Saturday Night Live :

"Fer cryin' out loud!"
"Oh, gaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Three seconds! Are you kidding me?"

Women's college basketball is mostly a clique of female overlords (notice, now, I didn't type "knitting circle") who might as well hold an annual early-season tournament called "Coaches Vs. Candor". Geno, on the other hand, speaks his mind. And, mostly, he is just having a laugh, anyway. He'd be dismissed as a clown if his teams didn't win so much.

So after tonight's game, when someone asked him why he hated New Jersey so much, Geno replied, "I don't hate anybody. I'm a peace-loving guy. Raised in the Sixties, you know. Peace, love and rock and roll.

"I love the Jersey shore. I love my house (the Auriemmas spend every August at their beach house in a south Jersey haven). I love Bruce Springsteen. I love The Sopranos ."

Geno gets it. It's just a game. Have fun. And if you don't have an undefeated record or the nation's best player--and UConn has often had either or both in the past--when facing your most acrimonious opponent, well then, hate is enough to fill our lives with love.

Game: College Basketball- Ohio State vs. Wisconsin

What Happened: OSU's Coach Thad Matta yelling to his players on the sideline.
Gum flys out of his mouth, onto the floor of the basketball court.
He bends down.
He picks it up.
He puts the gum back in his mouth.

Wow. That must be some really really special gum.

Lifetime tournament winnings in excess of $9.6 million and ranks 3rd on the all-time money list.

Next time someone insists you need a degree to make money in your life, please introduce them to Daniel Negreanu. I mean, earning 9.6 million under the age of 40 is kind of a big deal. The fact that he did it playing Poker in Sin City... well that's just talent. The Canadian left his country at the age of 21 and moved to Las Vegas to pursue poker. Today the "Poker Kid" is one of the best in the game.

What is the last song played on your ipod?
Redemption Songs by Bob Marley and the Wailers

What celebrity would you most like to trade places with and why?
Brad Pitt. Seriously, I think the answer to that question should be fairly obvious!

What's the one website you just can't live without?
www.alternativehockeyleague.com. It’s the address of my fantasy hockey league and I get more enjoyment out of that pool than you can imagine.

What did you do with your first paycheck?
I used it to play in a bigger tournament the very next day. I won that tournament too!

What's your favorite thing in your closet?
My collection of NHL hockey jerseys. I have over 30 of them.

For more on Daniel check this page out.

Okay, we all owe a big debt of gratitude to Hollywood for getting us through the last five weeks. I mean, the Golden Globes, the SAGs, Oscars, "Norbit". How would we have gotten through February otherwise. What? The Super Bowl?

My good friends The McCollows are very down on tonight's telecast, but I'm not judging it so harshly. My guess is that Katie just made too many chocolate chip cookies this evening, that the two of them are in the midst of a tollhouse-induced coma, and that it is affecting their judgment.

Were these Oscars better than average? Average? Below? I'd go with average. A few thoughts:

TOP FIVE MISSING MOVIE STARS

1. Jim Carrey
2. Brangelina
3. Kevin Costner
4. Matt Damon
5. Dakota Fanning (Was she just having a diva moment because Abigail was getting all the love? I cannot wait until the two of them start fighting over Jack Nicholson in about six years).

Most Inspired Moment

The Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly number about how comedy never is appreciated. Speaking of which, in a gripe within a gripe, just how unappreciated is Gary Cole? From Office Space to Talladega Nights , he's been fantastic. This is the same guy who portrayed the A-hole Secret Service dude in In the Line of Fire . Did he even have a seat tonight?

Ellen
Proving that there is absolutely NO EVENT huge enough to get her to wear a dress. In how many different languages tonight were children saying, "Mommy, why is that man wearing lipstick?"

She did a terrific job, though. Liked the "Dame Judi Dench" jokes. And see, you can get away with ripping on British actors if Sean Penn isn't around.

Speaking of British actors, shouldn't Hugh Laurie have won an award just for his acceptance speech prowess?

Seinfeld
Jerry being Jerry. And that's cool by me.

Okay, it's late and I'm too tired to blog any more this evening. I was able to catch some cat naps when Marconi was giving his acceptance speech in Italian and during Celine's song, but I'm still exhausted.

I know who's not getting it: Terrell Owens' publicist.

Meryl Streep may just win just for the heck of it. And cut to Helen Mirren slashing her wrists.

Oh, and Helen won. God save the Queen, so to speak.

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Reese Witherspoon on stage, without those awkward camera pans to Ryan Phillippe as my mom asks, "Who's he?"

Actually, she says that when any man who isn't Andy Williams appears onscreen.

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So, your Best Actor nominees thespian pasts:

Forest Whitaker....Fast Times
Ryan Gosling.......The New Mickey Mouse Club
Leo DiCaprio........Growing Pains
Will Smith.............Fresh Prince
Peter O'Toole.......Lawrence of Arabia

So, there you go.

Forest Whitaker seems like a sweet guy. I doubt he parties with Nicholson, but he seems like a sweet guy.

Okay, we're up to Best Director. If Martin Scorcese loses, the entire Kodak Theater should just implode on the spot.

Marty wins. Just a kid from the Bronx who grew up living in his car, or something like that. I really enjoyed The Departed . It's nowhere near as good as Goodfellas , but it's about time he won. You kind of knew this was a fait accompli when you saw Spielberg, Coppola and Lucas onstage as presenters. I think the moment Paul Greengrass saw Francis Ford Coppola, he slumped in his chair.

Actually, you kind of knew it when the sweet older woman won an Oscar for being Martin Scorcese's friend. I mean, if his receptionist wins an Oscar and then he doesn't, does Marky Mark just put the knife in his back as a mercy killing?

What do you think the title of Ellen's screenplay was? I'm going with, If These Pants Could Talk .

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I hope The Queen wins Best Picture just to continue the trend of Oscar-winning photos that none of us ever want to see again (e.g., "Out of Africa", "The English Patient", "The Last Emperor", etc.), especially not if "When Harry Met Sally" is playing on the other channel.

Here we go: I'm going with The Departed .

What's going on with Nicholson's sunglasses look?

Do you feel like I do? It's cool that Best Picture is the final award, but why have someone that none of us know give the acceptance speech? That's not why we're tuning in. Just give Jack the microphone...or Leo...or Marky Mark...or Matt Damon...it's not like the batting order on that film wasn't pretty deep. But, hey, he was the money, so he gets to talk.

That's exactly how it works with this blog, by the way. Greg Auman (GA) writes in the pithier comments, but I still get to talk more. Life's not fair. That's my Inconvenient Truth.

Wait, we can't end this Blogcast on such a down note.

I'm inviting everyone over to my apartment tomorrow and we'll re-create iconic movie poster images via silhouette. Good times, everybody!

Her dress is inspiring me to pen my own original screenplay: "Blood Rhinestone".

If there is a God, immediately after Jennifer Hudson finishes singing this song, the camera will pan to a bored Simon and an intoxicated Paula Abdul (and Randy Jackson doing whatever he does) sitting at the judges' table.

Quick: What was the name of the singing group that Beyonce used to be in? Took you a moment, didn't it (Destiny's Child). Man, whatever fork in the road Beyonce and Britney both came to in their careers, I think we know who took the right one.

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Melissa Etheridge: She wears the pants in that family.

"It's not red or blue, it is all green." Hey, I like that. Not as an environmentalist, but as a fan of primary colors. No, wait, red and blue makes purple. Yellow and blue makes green. So, never mind.

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Did you ever think you'd live to see the day when Al Gore was the big winner at the Oscars? Wait, we just checked the numbers. Turns out "My Country, My Country" is the Best Doc winner.

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Another montage. Hey, montages are usually highly enjoyable, but how many does one Oscar telecast need? Have we even gotten to the Dead Actor People montage yet?

It's 11:40 p.m. and we're only doing Best Film Editing!!!!! And, that, my good friends, is the very definition of irony.

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My friend Katie McCollow writes to tell me that she thought Ryan Seacrest was good earlier this evening. Katie wins Most Delusional American Idol Fan.

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That sweet older woman who just won an Oscar for being Martin Scorcese's friend just won the "SAT Word" of the night award, dropping in "panoply". Nice job, sweet older woman.

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And as if on cue, here comes the Dead Actor People montage. What makes me uncomfortable about this is the varying degrees of applause, as if it's a high school graduation ceremony. "Hey, her life was more valid than yours, so we're going to applaud more for her." Somewhere someone should catalog which Dead Actor People decedent (now I'm going for SAT word honors) gets the most and least amount of applause each year. I'm sure they're all laughing about it in heallven, anyway.

Honestly...is it written in the Academy charter that Randy Newman has to have a song nominated each year? And here's Celine Dion singing yet another Oscar nominee tune. Somebody wake me when Beyonce hits the stage.

Is it so difficult to write a catchy melody? I was just watching That Thing You Do yesterday, which has a lot of terrific touches to it (and Steve Zahn , as usual, just chews up every scene he's in, and I mean that in a good way...he and Jeremy Piven should co-star in a film some day along with Philip Seymour Hofman. They'll need three cameras in every scene). Anyway, the title tune is fantastic. I doubt that ever got nominated for a Best Song Oscar, but I'll check now.

(Please hold while I'm checking).

Nope. But I did just learn that the reason the pizzeria in that film is called "Villapiano's" is in tribute to former Oakland Raider linebacker Phil Villapiano. Tom Hanks, who produced the film, was an Oakland Raider fan growing up. And I'm pretty certain that Villapiano originally hailed from the same central New Jersey area that I am. I'm sure Mr. Villapiano (which, in Italian, means "piano house"?) is thrilled by that.

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Um, it's 11:05 eastern time. You think we maybe could get a meaningful award announced some time soon? Some of us have jobs we don't need to be at tomorrow. Or, if you're going to procrastinate, at least send Reese Witherspoon out on stage for a few minutes (it's time for dessert, anyway).

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I couldn't be more excited as these actors read the stage diirection notes for the screenplays. I only wish that earlier, when they did this for Best Adapted Screenplay and picked a moment from Borat , that they had described the nude wrestling scene in as graphic detail.

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Enough already with the Shadow Dancers or whatever it's called. Okay, the Snakes on a Plane silhouette was pretty cool.

Doing two minutes on the movie-going experience and sounding as if he hasn't lost a beat. Seinfeld has actually been off the air longer now than it was on the air, though who would know that seeing it in syndication three times a day?

I like that he just coined the term "soda-welded" and that he called all of the documentary nominees "incredibly depressing".

Al Gore: Was losing the 2000 election the best thing that ever happened to him?

Larry David...shown during the same segment that Seinfeld appeared in. Wonder if they'll be hanging out after the show. Maybe Wanda Sykes will join them.

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And here comes Clint Eastwood, following Gore, speaking of endangered natural resources.

And you thought From Justin to Kelly would spawn the first Oscar winner from American Idol .

Two movies I need to see tomorrow when I blow off work and blame it on the snowstorm (even though I don't even drive a car...even though I don't even commute, actually):

1. The Lives of Others
2. Dreamgirls

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This moment's Oscar thought apropos of nothing I've seen this evening:

Elizabeth Hurley needs to do another movie. Dane Cook does not.

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Babel . Is it me or does it just have that "This is such an IMPORTANT movie and we're so IMPORTANT for making it" look that Crash had just two years ago? Yes, I would rather see the next Jackass sequel. You got a problem with that?

(With apologies to Felix Unger)

So, I just looked up the origin of the term "Oscar". According to Wikipedia (and a more knowledgeable source you'd never find, no?), the origin is disputed. One account has Bette Davis dubbing the statuette after her first husband, Harmon Oscar Nelson (So why aren't we going all mad over the Harmons?). The other account is that Margaret Harrick, then the Academy's Executive Secretary, dubbed the statuette Oscar because it reminded her of her own Uncle Oscar...who often stood still and naked, with his clenched fists at his sternum (Uncle Oscar died choking on a piece of prime rib, ironically, and his last waking moments were given over to self-Heimliching. Seriously, that's true.)*

*Not true.

Oscar, by the way, is 13.5 inches tall and weighs 8.5 pounds, giving him something remarkably in common with Milton Berle .

Right now, in 2007, do you think more Americans know who James Taylor is or who Taylor Hicks is?
Yes, I'm a little disturbed by the answer, too.

Here's the good thing about going prematurely bald, by the way. Between the ages of 30 and 60 nobody makes catty remarks about how much you've aged.

.......

Wow, Melissa Etheridge sure has aged. And the odd thing is, she USED TO BE bald.

What's going on behind Melissa, by the way? Some liminal (as opposed to subliminal) environmentally conscious propaganda, it looks like. That's all fine. I'm pro-planet. It's just funny that in the last hour I've now been bombarded with messages about CO and CO2. We've turned into Carbon Nation.

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Yo, what's Leo DiCaprio doing onstage with Norv Turner? Maybe I should turn off my "Mute" button and find out (I just hit "Mute" when Melissa began singing).

Leo just announced that for the first time, Oscar has gone green. Oh, I think Oscar's been all about green for a long time.

That Sound Effects choir. I'm totally hiring them to play my wedding. Don't worry, guys...you've got a looooooooooong time to rehearse.

How do people get into this field? Hey, I just noticed that if I crumbled these potato chips in a bowl it sounds just like people walking on broken glass! Cool! I have found my life's calling.

(As opposed, of course, to the esteemed craft of blogging.)

Sound editing acceptance speech needs to be sound edited on "Mute".

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Jessica Biel: What's going on with that fuscia dress? You showed more skin on "Seventh Heaven". Even Rev. Camden would tell her to plunge the neckline a little more.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Alan Arkin...Nooooooooooooooooooooo! He was very good in what was for, at least half the film, a stiff role. It's hard to root against him, but I can't imagine anything better defining a supporting role than what Mark Wahlberg did in The Departed .

Good point an avid Oscar watcher just made to me, concerning the fact that Alan Arkin just read his acceptance speech from a hand-written note: "THEY'RE ACTORS! CAN'T THEY MEMORIZE THEIR LINES?"

Sp I'm watching these "Best Shorts" Oscars (Martin, Purvis, etc.) and I'm wondering, if you just devoted the next two years of your life to creating a short film with the idea of getting an Oscar, would you, well, fall short? I think it could be done.

(Message to my editor, Barry: Please do not consider that last paragraph as my resignation.)

By the way, the dude who won for Best Action Short gave the textbook great speech that any unknown should give. Really classy and sincere.

It's Sunday night and I'm not watching Extras . Something just feels wrong about it all.

Oooh, Four Weddings and a Funeral is on MyTV (or whatever they call that network) right now. Which reminds me, has anyone seen Kristin Scott-Thomas lately? I miss her. FWaaF is a dude chick flick, if such a thing is possible.

Looks as if Ben Kingsley's barber is working for Jack Nicholson now.

"I chose to be in both Boogie and Talladega Nights..."

Genius.

"Mark Wahlberg, I won't mess with you...you're actually kind of badass."

Inspired.

"Helen Mirren and an Oscar will be coming home with me."

That three minutes of the "Comedian Opera" was funnier than "Epic Movie".

Pan's Labyrinth , two Oscars...everybody else thus far, zero. What can I tell ya?

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Yes, this sounds catty, but Leo DiCaprio looks as if he's putting on weight to play the lead in The Last King of Scotland . Too bad they already made that movie.

Don't you just love Ellen Degeneres? She's great as the host. Someone should give her a TV show. What? Hunh?

"Spain is in the house...and, uh, Japan is representing. I think I see a few Americans as well. Of course I'm talking about the seat fillers. Nobody can fill a seat like an American."

"Half a box of Chardonnay in me...."

"Let's face it, if it weren't for gays, blacks and Jews, there wouldn't be any Oscars...or anyone named Oscar, for that matter."

Ellen Degeneres. Nobody has done more for pants since Levi Strauss.

Are you watching "Road to the Oscars" on ABC? You should be (stop wasting your time with my blog!). I LOVE LOVE LOVE this African-American interviewer in the blue tux. Please give him more air time. What's the best thing about him? He is NOT cool and he doesn't care. He's happy to be here. Wouldn't you be?

Eddie Murphy on his favorite Eddie Murphy movie: "I like 'em all. I even like Pluto Nash ." Now that's what I call unconditional love.

Ryan Seacrest (and his production company) should be taping ABC's "Road to the Oscars" coverage and taking notes. This is how you do it.

Ryan Gosling (plus his mother an sisters) was cool. When Chris Connelly (doing a bang-up job) asked him about bringing the family (I mean, after all, he was dating Rachel McAdams last I heard), he replied, "I thought I'd roll look Snoop."

Here comes Mark Wahlberg. He reminds me so much of my best friend growing up, Paul Swingle, that it's scary. Exact same personality, very similar-looking (the big difference is that Paul could throw 93 mph heat and actually pitched in the majors for a few weeks. Who gave up George Brett's last major-league home run? My buddy Paul Swingle).

If any one person deserves an Oscar tonight, in my opinion, it's Wahlberg for The Departed . Plus, he's the inspiration behind Entourage , so he's got that going for him, which is great.

Hardest part about being a red-carpet interviewer: Not calling Kate Winslet Cate Blanchett, and vice-versa.

Winslet's on the tube now. You know what's cool? I recall seeing Heavenly Creatures when it first came out at the Angelika Film Center and I came out of that movie saying to myself, "Whoa. That is ONE great actress."

And Winslet was like 13 then.

More Helen Mirren screen time. Va....Va....Voom. One question: Helen Mirren, where have you been all your life? Honestly, does anyone have a photo of her from before 2003? I didn't think so.

Blue tux! What is your name? You rock.

Helen Mirren...WOW!

Sixty is the new 57!

You look great, Helen. How do you feel about much younger men? I wanna make a movie with you entitled To Helen Back .

And Reese Witherspoon...you win my Hollywood actress I'd most like to share nachos with at Barney's Beanery. Tell me she wouldn't be a scream to hang with.

Robert Downey, Jr., looks about ten years older than he did the last time I saw him...which wouldn't be so bad except the last time I saw him was last night on the Independent Film Channel for the Independent Spirit Awards...which aired live.

I think Nicole Kidman took that Stepford Wives role to heart, no?

Here's hoping Ellen Degeneres makes a joke about Blood Diamond while pointing out all the bling in the room this evening.

I don't know who this interviewer in the blue tux is, but I love him. If you're going to be the opposite of R. Kelly ("Stuck in the Closet"), then you need to jump out and stand in the middle of the room.

Will someone please put Ryan Seacrest out of my misery?

Seacrest just asked Alan Arkin if he felt bad about doing the scenes he did in front of Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine ? Here's the problem with these red-carpet interviewers, in particular Seacrest: He talks to the stars as if he's on their plane, when he's so obviously not. It's like listening to Anthony Michael Hall talk to the other kids in The Breakfast Club (or "Sixteen Candles") when he knows he's not cool enough to hang with them.

The solution: Drop the facade that the interviewer is any cooler than you or I. If Chris Farley were still with us, I'd want him doing that "Chris Farley Show" character on the red carpet. Tell me that wouldn't be classic. Is there someone out there who can approximate that?

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I'm watching a commercial in which Ellen Degeneres says that she loves animals. So that's two things we have in common in terms of what we love.

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Vera Wang only designs women's clothes, which makes for fewer awkward moments on the red carpet:

"Eddie Murphy, is that a Wang?"

"I beg your pardon!"

Ryan Seacrest....seriously over-exposed.

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Gwyneth Paltrow: You look mah-velous, and your husband has the funniest cameo in television this year.

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All the women are wearing the asymmetric one-shoulder/arm covered look (Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Beyonce). So, Allen Iverson is having a huge impact on fashion this winter.

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Ryan Seacrest just said "Ricky Jarvis" to Kate Winslet. If I were close enough right now, I'd be doing to him what James Woods did to Johnny Drama on the red carpet for the premiere of Aquaman.

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You know what's strange: Ricky "Jarvis" has a cat just like mine. What's stranger? Ricky Gervais and I each have a cat.

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Queen Latifah just said one of her favorite movies of 2006 was Pan's Labyrinth . Definitely was mine.

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Meryl Streep, the world's greatest living actress, is talking to Ryan Seacrest right now. This is the very definition of "overchicked".

Meryl just made a joke that went totally over Ryan's head. He's 5'1", so it wasn't difficult (cheap shot, I know).

Please E! Do us all a favor and next year just hire Bobcat Goldthwaite to do this job. Hire a Charlotte Bobcat. Charlotte Rae. I don't care. Anyone but Ryan Seacrest.

Check out this news report from WSMV-TV. It talks to a club owner from Tennessee he had a run-in with previously then, toward the end, cuts to a talk he had with school kids (when and where is not specified) in which he lets them know you can always get out of anything.

Kinda explains a lot.

INDIANAPOLIS - I wrote the story earlier today on how teams are responding to the spate of bad acting by players. Here are a few leftovers that didn't land in the story.

Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars head coach said that the fact young men become alarmingly rick almost overnight is a factor (perhaps best evidenced by Adam Jones' allegedly flinging $81,000 into the air in the move that may have sparked the much-discussed shooting in Vegas.

"When you determine character, you want guys you can rely on. Guys that show up as having trouble socially are not the ones capable of being relied on."

Colts GM Bill Polian said, "People are capable of change if they're sincere and motivated and prove they are capable of change. If you're satisfied with the results you see you're willing to take a chance. We've always relied on outside sources to help us make the decision (i.e. investigators).

Polian drew on an old experience to amplify his point.

"When I was in Buffalo, we brought in Art Schlichter (a quarterback whose life and talent were undone by serial gambling) and we had a real positive experience with him for 90 percent of the time and then he had a relapse but I don't regret having done it. Based on what people told us, it was a worthwhile choice to make."

Added Polian, "I think the commissioner knows full well with the age group and the amount of money they make there will always be some issues. I think he feels pretty strongly that he wants those to be as few and far between as possible and he's said publicly he will take steps to ensure that happens.

Said Fisher, "The process starts with the scout and it escalates as we get closer to the draft. Most of the discussions start right there with the character issues. Adopting a zero tolerance policy (for offenses), you're better off focusing your attention on those players that don't have background issues."

INDIANAPOLIS -Titans coach Jeff Fisher made a statement on the involvement of cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones in the fight and shooting at a Las Vegas strip club on Monday morning.

Here's what he said. It's not very compelling.

"Over the past several days there has been widespread speculation and allegation tying Adam Jones to an incident that took place early this week in Las Vegas.

"I can tell you that Adam Jones is cooperating fully with the Las Vegas police department. I can tell you that we have not been in contact with Adam and have no information.

"The organization has put themselves in a position now where it's very difficult to comment until we are able to obtain the facts from the standpoint of what took place. It's a very unfortunate incident and when the organization obtains more information then we will be in a position to (answer) any other questions that you have."

We'll have more from Fisher and other coaches on the behavioral issues swamping the NFL later today.

INDIANAPOLIS - Moments ago, the LSU quarterback and presumptive No. 1 pick in April's draft held a 15-minute press conference. His presence bumped Dolphins GM Randy Mueller from the stage and off to a side table in Room 110 of the Indiana Convention Center.

At 6-5, 265, Russell is massive. He looks more like a power forward than a quarterback.

We're waiting on Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn who is at the hospital getting his tires kicked and gauges calibrated. He may be here later today but there's a chance he won't be in until tomorrow.

The very earnest coach of the Detroit Lions, Rod Marinelli is at the podium now.

He's trying to explain how much he loves defensive tackle Cory Redding and explaining why the team franchised him. It's kind of a disconnect because no player wants to be franchised but Marinelli is talking like it's the ultimate compliment.

(On Redding's Reaction to the Tag)
"Initially, it'snot something he wanted to do. I've become close to him and i've tried to not talk about the tag and what it means. I've tried to talk about what we want him to do going forward and make it a recruitment process. At the end of the line, there's no way (he's going anywhere else). I owe it to my team. This guy's got to be here. We made progress and I hope to get him signed. We need him. He's the focal point of our team."

(On Defensive End Kalimba Edwards)
"I'm just gonna smother him with coaching."

Projections have the Lions selecting Wisconsin offensive tackle Joe Thomas with the second pick. Marinelli sounded as if quarterback is going to get some thought, however.

"We love (current starter Jon Kitna). It's not a need for next year. But we might be able to find the quarterback of our future. If a young quarterback has a chance to be around Jon Kitna for a few years, that's special. We might be in a great position there.

Jack Del Rio just addressed the media here in Indianapolis. He gave lip service to the body of work amassed by David Garrard, saying he is excited about Garrard continuing to develop as a quarterback even though he just declared yesterday that he's making Garrard the backup.

It was tellng when Del Rio was asked about Garrard's reaction to the news and the coach said that, "the reaction isn't important".

The reaction of course is the most important aspect because it's the barometer of how he'll do moving forward.

(On Naming Byron Leftwich the starter over David Garrard)

"It requires some work on the relationship end. It's a delicate situation moreso with that position than any other. I've learned in my first four years as a head coach just how much scrutiny is placed o the quarterback position and I've learned to handle that position a little differently. We believe (Garrard) is a very capable quarterback and we feel he'll continue to grow. You don't always hear as an athlete things you want to hear"

(On Why Jacksonville fans love Garrard)

The Jacksonville fan base is similar to many around the country. The backup quarterback is the most popular guy. I was in Dallas with Steve Walsh and Troy Aikman, people were clamoring for Steve Walsh.

The rest was pretty much feelgood chatter from Del Rio explaining how excited he is about the season, talking about whether Matt Jones will ever run in pads the way he runs in shorts and a t-shirt and on and on.

INDIANAPOLIS - Morning from Indy.

This is the biggest day of the Combine with a fleet of coaches and "decision makers" coming through the Indiana Convention Center and the running backs and wide receivers traipsing in as well.

Jack Del Rio is on the mic right now (11:30)...we'll blog his chatter in...real time....

Obvously the quarterback topic is one that's been discussed quite a bit. The bottom line is we're excited about 2007. We have a strong roster and a healthy cap situation.

Gregg is back. All is normal in the world. We taped our first Fantasy Baseball and Football shows together today in the new studio. It looks awesome!

The two of us do the show sitting on stools... which of course brought back to life the great debate on who is really taller. Me or Gregg? I'll let you judge that one.

One thing we didn't talk about in the show was the situation with Lovie Smith and the Chicago Bears. I can't seem to grasp the concept that the man who took a team to the Super Bowl (a team that hasn't played in a Super Bowl since 1985) is the lowest paid coach in the NFL. What? Does that make sense to you? At all? He was Coach of the Year in 2005. I mean Rex Grossman, love him or hate him, had a guaranteed one million dollar bonus in his contract just for making it to the Super Bowl. No, he didn't have to win the game to get the extra money. He just had to go.

Lovie made $1.35 million last season. Now to you and me, that's a lot of money. However within the NFL coaching world, Smith is the lowest paid coach on the list. As in 31 other head coaches made more money then him YET only one other head coach besides Smith was able to take his team to the Super Bowl: Tony Dungy.

At the Super Bowl in Miami, people could not speak highly enough of Lovie Smith. The entire week people repeatedly had such respect towards this man. Players, reporters and analysts had nothing but nice things to say about him as a coach, leader, and most importantly as a person. It's a shame that the Bears aren't treating him with the same respect.

INDIANAPOLIS - The Texans are open to dealing quarterback David Carr according to both head coach Gary Kubiak and GM Rick Smith.

Smith said he would "entertain offers" for Carr in this offseason.

In five seasons, Carr has been sacked 249 times, thrown 59 touchdowns and 65 interceptions.

Carr actually had an OK season statistically nin 2006, throwing 11 TDs, 12 picks and completing more than 68 percent of his passes.

Knowing his neck's in the noose can't be an easy reality. But Kubiak said it's part of the deal.

"That's part of the business," he said. "I've had conversations with him this offseason already regarding that. But if you're going to play in this league, especially at quarterback, you gotta have some tough skin. It's just part of the process. He's got to come back and play and I have to do a better job of coaching to get more out of that position for our football team."

Smith said that the Texans face some big issues with getting under the 2007 salary cap over the next few weeks.

"To be honest with you, we have a challenge with our salary cap situation. We have to find a way to add players and improve our team. That means we have some difficult decisions we have to make relative to some of our veteran players. It's challenging."

INDIANAPOLIS - Saints GM Mickey Loomis wasn't that psyched when he saw Reggie Bush turn an ankle in a recent celebrity hoop game.

"I thought I was going to have a heart attack," said Loomis.

The Saints have had two key offensive players hurt this offseason -- Bush and Drew Brees who dislocated his elbow in the Pro Bowl.

"Fortunatley it doesn't look lke (either one) will have lasting impact," Loomis added. "You're always nervous about what happens in the offseason to your players whether it's Pro Bowl or celebrity games or driving your car down the road. You get nervous about that. The last call I want to see is from our security director or trainer with some report. They dont call unless they're delivering bad news."

Nevertheless, the Saints aren't going to change their policies.

"it's not been our philosoply to restrict guys. We want guys to use their own good judgment."

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Robert Susnar, co-owner of the Minxx strip club in Las Vegas told Sirius Radio about the involvement of Pacman Jones in a Monday morning shooting outside his club.

Here's the transcript of the interview from Sirius.

"Pacman Jones arrived with an entourage. His entourage consisted of Pacman Jones, his girlfriend, his publicist, the shooter. The person who shot my two employees arrived with Pacman Jones. Sat with Pacman Jones. Talked to Pacman Jones. Drank with him. ...

"The way the trouble erupted is Pacman has a ritual he likes to do with some of the dancers where he gets them up onstage throws out a bunch of money, lets it fall on stage and none of the girls are supposed to touch the money until pacman says that i'ts OK.

"We have girls that travel from all over the country for big weekends like this to dance for us. Pacman does his rain thing where he throws the money out. Fantastic. We were happy, he's having a good time. One of the other dancers, not familiar with the rain program, starts picking the money up off the stage. Now, Pacman grabs her by the hair, slams her head against the stage and punched her in the face.

"At that point, our bouncer, Aaron Cudworth steps in and restrains Pacman. Aaron is a trained mixed martial arts guy. He did not hit Pacman. He simply restrained him. At that point, Pacman's girlfriendf hit Aaron over the head with a champagne bottle, his bouncer jumped in, the rest of his entourage jumped in and a fight broke out.

"Pacman bit Aaron in the ankle. It was a pretty severe bite. He took a big piece of meat out of his leg. Pacman got away, chased the same dancer down and punched her again on the other side of the room. I don't know what type of man thinks it's an OK thing to punch a woman in the face but Pacman Jones is apparently that type of man.

"Aaron then got around to othe side of the stage and restrained him again and then, in front of five witnesses, said, "You know what man? I'm going to (expletive) kill you.

"Guess what? Twenty minutes later, one of the memebers of Pacman Jones' party - the shooter ...we had cleared the club out. Before everyone came in, we patted everyone down, wanded everyone tried to make sure there'd be no trouble.

"The shooter went back to the car, produced a gun and made good on Pacman's promise. He shot Aaron right in the chest. He shot Thomas (Urbanski) three times. One of the bullets severed his spine.

"He parked down the street. He ran up to the front of the club. The 2 bouncers, Thomas and Aaron were standing in the front of the door after all of the patrons had left. This man then returned to the club and, from right in front of the club, empotied a clip of bullets into these guys.

"We have cameras in our club that show Pacman and how he behaved and the striking of the dancer and all the other mayhem."

INDIANAPOLIS - The Ravens announced that they won't be slapping the franchise tag on linebacker Adalius Thomas which is good because they only have 75 minutes to do so (and counting).

"Our hope is that we can re-sign him," said Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome.

Terrific idea.

INDIANAPOLIS - The dislocated left elbow suffered by Saints quarterback Drew Brees will keep him on the shelf for nearly two months.

"Fortunately for us, both the x-rays and the MRIs came back as well as can be expected," Saints head coach Sean Payton said today at the NFL Combine. "I think the difficult thing for him is that (his recuperation period ends) at about the same time we break and he would have had some time to spend with his family. But we were fortunate. Just from my understanding of the nature of the injury, there were a lot of things that could have been worse about it that weren't."

It's the second offseason in a row that Brees will spend rehabbing. He sustained a torn right lambrum in the final game of the 2005 season while still with the Chargers.

INDIANAPOLIS - The days of top prospects making a sweat-free appearance at the NFL Combine are over, according to Steelers GM Kevin Colbert.

After years of players showing up at the Combine but declining to lift, run, jump or smile for fear of hurting their draft position, Colbert said that only 22 of the more than 300 players invited last year took a pass on the whole megillah.

Asked how many took a pass before, Colbert said, "About a third. Well over 100."

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Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin spoke this morning at 10 a.m.

One of the key issues he has to deal with taking over the Steelers is the fact that there are a number of players who had loyalties to Russ Grimm who was in the running for the head job before being passed over for Tomlin.

"Transition is never easy," said Tomlin. "I'm OK with that. That's what this business is about. Sometimes it's good to feel a little uncomfortable."

A few other snippets.

(On how things are developing with his players so far)
"I'm not going to try to buld relationships in one day. Relationships will be built on shared experiences.

(Advice given)
Most of my mentors tolld me to be myself and trust my instincts.

(Differences between being here as a head coach as opposed to an assistant)
"It’s pretty much the same routine. Wire to wire. Previously, I was just looking at positions, now I'm looking at all players.

(Difficulty in moving two years straight)
"It wasn't difficult as a career move but as a family move (it was). I've moved the family two offseasons in a row. That’s been an issue. Professionally, this is what I do. But the tough part has been the transition from a personal standpoint.

(On Roethlisberger)
Like everyone else, we've got to be blue collar and he's got to be blue collar in his approach and be ready to come to work every day.

(Communication with Bill Cowher)
I have had none.

--Don't know if you caught it on any of the morning news shows--because it was such big news--but there's been a new world record set in the overloaded category of "Squat Thrusts on the Back of an Elephant". Ashrita Furman of Queens, NY, did forty in one minute.

Oh, there was much a' chortling over this on Today . Matt Lauer wondered, accurately, if even one squat thrust on the back of an elephant would have set a world record.

The story made me smile. Nearly ten years ago Ashrita and I hung out as he was preparing to set a world record in an even more saturated field, the "Fastest 10-K in a Potato Sack" record. I'll never forget the two of us potato-sacking around the Sheep's Meadow in Central Park one fine October day as--I believe--men with oversized butterfly nets tried to capture us and take us away.

I'll admit, he may be just a 15-second clip of B-roll to the folks at the cable news channels, but Ashrita is a hero of mine. His stated goal, his lifetime goal, is to set the most Guinness World Records of anyone. When I knew him that number was in the sixties, and I have to believe it's at least in the eighties now. The best aspect of it all is that, believe it or not, Furman is no narcissist.

He's actually just a devoted follower of Sri Chinmoy, an Eastern meditation guru type. Chinmoy's main tenet is that the only limit on the self is the mind, and so Furman believes that by breaking these records--he's a decent athlete, but nothing extraordinary-- he's paying homage to that tenet. Now, he's also celibate and a vegetarian, but in terms of record-breaking, yeah, Ashrita's a huge hero of mine. You will never meet a more enthusiastic person in your life.

Keep going, Ashrita. Somewhere out there is a blue whale that needs to be the base for the most underwater push-ups ever attempted.!

INDIANAPOLIS - This blog got to Indy Wednesday night with a hop in its step and big plans for the next couple of days.

The NFL Combine begins tomorrow at the RCA Dome.

Access to the workouts isn't great but there is a steady stream of coaches and decision makers flowing through the joint beginning tomorrow.

Tomorrow, we'll be getting news and scuttle of the butt and posting it here as well as working on some more developed stories and striding bravely into the world of providing some video content. Kinda like a Marty Scorcese of the grid.

We'll hit you back in the morning and please check back throughout the day.

T

Monday night a good friend of mine turned 27. So to celebrate we all headed down to the Lower East Side for a solid game of good ole fashion BINGO. However at Mo Pitkins, Monday nights are no regular old grandma bingo. Try Drag Queen Bingo. The host/hostess dress up, crack jokes and try to make it fun for everyone. Hey, its New York, things like that are normal here.

Ok, before you go saying "Why are they playing BINGO in NY?" think back to the last time you actually played BINGO. Exactly. A lonnngggg time ago. Let me refresh your memory. It's actually really fun. Plus there is not another game that is so stupidly simple yet competitive as BINGO.

To spare you all the details, we had a blast and our table actually won a few times. The first time I won, I had to have a tie-breaker because someone else also won that round. At this point, there had already been several tie-breakers. Examples include a chugging contest, guessing a random number, simple stuff. Umm.. as for me? I had to arm wrestle the girl who tied with me. Which would be fine if the girl across the table from me was Nicole Richie. Let's be honest, I'd win in a second. This was NOT Nicole Richie. That being said, I went down in 2.5. Awesome. So I lost the prizes: a magic eight ball and shower caps. They felt bad for me and gave me a tee-shirt. Haha...

Then the final round arrived. The last game of the night. "Blackout." It's where you must have every number on your card called out in order to win. The Grand Prize? 120 bucks. Our table was determined to win. So was everyone else in the room.

Music was playing, people were laughing and glasses were clinking. It takes a while to get an entire BINGO card filled. At this point people are managing two or three cards because some have given up and left. Randomly you'd hear: "Yessss!!" "I needed that one!" "Ugh... that wasn't me." "Give mamma a G-16." I'm telling you, BINGO is serious. So we get down to the wire and I'm looking at my card. I need two more. She calls the number. Suddenly I need one more. B-1. All I need is for Murray Hill (the Host) to call out B-1 and I have BINGO.

The anticipation. The suspense. Murray reaches in and grabs the ball. She looks at it. Smiles. Will you just tell us the damn number puh-lease?? "Ladies and gentlemen.... the next one is.... B.... 1."

BBBBBB-I-N-G-O!!!
Biiiinnngggg-freaking o!!
My whole table errupted into cheers and high fives! We were all so excited.
Ha... I may have lost the arm wrestle competition but took home the big prize!! Really, it's the simple things in life that are so fun.