BEST ACTRESS

I know who's not getting it: Terrell Owens' publicist.

Meryl Streep may just win just for the heck of it. And cut to Helen Mirren slashing her wrists.

Oh, and Helen won. God save the Queen, so to speak.

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Reese Witherspoon on stage, without those awkward camera pans to Ryan Phillippe as my mom asks, "Who's he?"

Actually, she says that when any man who isn't Andy Williams appears onscreen.

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So, your Best Actor nominees thespian pasts:

Forest Whitaker....Fast Times
Ryan Gosling.......The New Mickey Mouse Club
Leo DiCaprio........Growing Pains
Will Smith.............Fresh Prince
Peter O'Toole.......Lawrence of Arabia

So, there you go.

Forest Whitaker seems like a sweet guy. I doubt he parties with Nicholson, but he seems like a sweet guy.

Okay, we're up to Best Director. If Martin Scorcese loses, the entire Kodak Theater should just implode on the spot.

Marty wins. Just a kid from the Bronx who grew up living in his car, or something like that. I really enjoyed The Departed . It's nowhere near as good as Goodfellas , but it's about time he won. You kind of knew this was a fait accompli when you saw Spielberg, Coppola and Lucas onstage as presenters. I think the moment Paul Greengrass saw Francis Ford Coppola, he slumped in his chair.

Actually, you kind of knew it when the sweet older woman won an Oscar for being Martin Scorcese's friend. I mean, if his receptionist wins an Oscar and then he doesn't, does Marky Mark just put the knife in his back as a mercy killing?

What do you think the title of Ellen's screenplay was? I'm going with, If These Pants Could Talk .

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I hope The Queen wins Best Picture just to continue the trend of Oscar-winning photos that none of us ever want to see again (e.g., "Out of Africa", "The English Patient", "The Last Emperor", etc.), especially not if "When Harry Met Sally" is playing on the other channel.

Here we go: I'm going with The Departed .

What's going on with Nicholson's sunglasses look?

Do you feel like I do? It's cool that Best Picture is the final award, but why have someone that none of us know give the acceptance speech? That's not why we're tuning in. Just give Jack the microphone...or Leo...or Marky Mark...or Matt Damon...it's not like the batting order on that film wasn't pretty deep. But, hey, he was the money, so he gets to talk.

That's exactly how it works with this blog, by the way. Greg Auman (GA) writes in the pithier comments, but I still get to talk more. Life's not fair. That's my Inconvenient Truth.

Wait, we can't end this Blogcast on such a down note.

I'm inviting everyone over to my apartment tomorrow and we'll re-create iconic movie poster images via silhouette. Good times, everybody!