J-LO

Her dress is inspiring me to pen my own original screenplay: "Blood Rhinestone".

If there is a God, immediately after Jennifer Hudson finishes singing this song, the camera will pan to a bored Simon and an intoxicated Paula Abdul (and Randy Jackson doing whatever he does) sitting at the judges' table.

Quick: What was the name of the singing group that Beyonce used to be in? Took you a moment, didn't it (Destiny's Child). Man, whatever fork in the road Beyonce and Britney both came to in their careers, I think we know who took the right one.

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Melissa Etheridge: She wears the pants in that family.

"It's not red or blue, it is all green." Hey, I like that. Not as an environmentalist, but as a fan of primary colors. No, wait, red and blue makes purple. Yellow and blue makes green. So, never mind.

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Did you ever think you'd live to see the day when Al Gore was the big winner at the Oscars? Wait, we just checked the numbers. Turns out "My Country, My Country" is the Best Doc winner.

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Another montage. Hey, montages are usually highly enjoyable, but how many does one Oscar telecast need? Have we even gotten to the Dead Actor People montage yet?

It's 11:40 p.m. and we're only doing Best Film Editing!!!!! And, that, my good friends, is the very definition of irony.

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My friend Katie McCollow writes to tell me that she thought Ryan Seacrest was good earlier this evening. Katie wins Most Delusional American Idol Fan.

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That sweet older woman who just won an Oscar for being Martin Scorcese's friend just won the "SAT Word" of the night award, dropping in "panoply". Nice job, sweet older woman.

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And as if on cue, here comes the Dead Actor People montage. What makes me uncomfortable about this is the varying degrees of applause, as if it's a high school graduation ceremony. "Hey, her life was more valid than yours, so we're going to applaud more for her." Somewhere someone should catalog which Dead Actor People decedent (now I'm going for SAT word honors) gets the most and least amount of applause each year. I'm sure they're all laughing about it in heallven, anyway.