"WE'RE LIVE ON E(EEK)!"

Will someone please put Ryan Seacrest out of my misery?

Seacrest just asked Alan Arkin if he felt bad about doing the scenes he did in front of Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine ? Here's the problem with these red-carpet interviewers, in particular Seacrest: He talks to the stars as if he's on their plane, when he's so obviously not. It's like listening to Anthony Michael Hall talk to the other kids in The Breakfast Club (or "Sixteen Candles") when he knows he's not cool enough to hang with them.

The solution: Drop the facade that the interviewer is any cooler than you or I. If Chris Farley were still with us, I'd want him doing that "Chris Farley Show" character on the red carpet. Tell me that wouldn't be classic. Is there someone out there who can approximate that?

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I'm watching a commercial in which Ellen Degeneres says that she loves animals. So that's two things we have in common in terms of what we love.

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Vera Wang only designs women's clothes, which makes for fewer awkward moments on the red carpet:

"Eddie Murphy, is that a Wang?"

"I beg your pardon!"

Ryan Seacrest....seriously over-exposed.

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Gwyneth Paltrow: You look mah-velous, and your husband has the funniest cameo in television this year.

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All the women are wearing the asymmetric one-shoulder/arm covered look (Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Beyonce). So, Allen Iverson is having a huge impact on fashion this winter.

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Ryan Seacrest just said "Ricky Jarvis" to Kate Winslet. If I were close enough right now, I'd be doing to him what James Woods did to Johnny Drama on the red carpet for the premiere of Aquaman.

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You know what's strange: Ricky "Jarvis" has a cat just like mine. What's stranger? Ricky Gervais and I each have a cat.

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Queen Latifah just said one of her favorite movies of 2006 was Pan's Labyrinth . Definitely was mine.

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Meryl Streep, the world's greatest living actress, is talking to Ryan Seacrest right now. This is the very definition of "overchicked".

Meryl just made a joke that went totally over Ryan's head. He's 5'1", so it wasn't difficult (cheap shot, I know).

Please E! Do us all a favor and next year just hire Bobcat Goldthwaite to do this job. Hire a Charlotte Bobcat. Charlotte Rae. I don't care. Anyone but Ryan Seacrest.