BLUE WHALE GROUP

Always with the blue whale?

Okay, so the blue whale is the largest living mammal, but how many people have ever actually seen one (visiting the Museum of Natural History in Manhattan does not count)? You know who deserves a raise? Whoever is the publicist for blue whales. Because, for an animal that almost no one's ever seen--and thus almost no one can really appreciate its size--the blue whale sure does show up a lot in these size comparisons.

It is for this reason that, even though "Planet Earth" warned that there are only about 9,000 blue whales left (and how exactly did they count them?), I'm satisfied that the blue whale will not become extinct any time soon. The art directors at every newspaper and magazine in the country would stage huge rallies to protect them. "What do you want us to use instead? An elephant?" .

The only object that is exploited more often for the purposes of explaining relative size to us dolts than the blue whale? That's right, the state of Rhode Island. Here's what I want to see, Mr. USA Today managing editor. I'd like to see a full-page graphic illustrating the relative size of Rhode Isand to a blue whale, to scale. That's all I ask.

JUGGLER'S BLUES

UCLA returns to the Final Four, which means--even better--that my man Chris Smith , better-known as "The Juggler", is coming back as well (Watch him juggle knives). Last year during a break in the action someone, I believe from CBS, asked Smith to perform on the court. So there's performing live for upwards of 35,000 fans. How many jugglers draw crowds that size nowadays? I mean, Ghirardelli Square just cannot accommodate that many tourists.

Anyway, Chris is a great guy and e-mailed two days ago to remind me that he is graduating soon and will need to find a real job. He's a budding film-maker, and his first effort, "Shadow In the Trees", will hopefully be getting its first screening a month or so from now.

I don't mean to get all "Project Greenlight" on you, but Chris could use some backers (i.e., there's a few people who may break his arms--key appendages for a juggler-- if he doesn't pay a few production costs soon). If you have found yourself wildly entertained by the Juggler at a Bruins hoops or football game the past couple years and would like to invest in him, contact me. I'll forward your email on to him.

KNOW HOW I KNOW MY GYM IS GAY?

Yesterday I was in the men's locker room at my gym here in Manhattan and saw the following sign: "Male bikini waxing available." Uggggggggggggggggggghhh! The good news is that the sign went on to state that said bkini waxing is administered by "master cosmetologist Olga". My mission, and I hope to accomplish it, is to secure for you intrepid readers a photograph of Olga.

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT EITHER

My source at the Women's Postseason NIT (WNIT), and yes, I have a WNIT source (take that, Seth Davis!), informs me that last night in Laramie, Wyoming, 12,225 fans watched Wyoming defeat Kansas State in WNIT semi-final action. In triple overtime. I mention this solely because if you watched any of the NCAA women's hoops tourney last weekend, the crowd's were so sparse that it resembled a screening for The Last Mimzy . So how do you explain Wyoming drawing more fans for a WNIT contest than--I'd be willing to bet--all four NCAA regional finals combined?

Maybe it's too soon to be moving women's hoops games off-campus. Maybe people in Wyoming really don't have anything better---I mean, really, really love women's basketball.

TODAY'S TELEVISION SMASH HIT IDEAR

Dear Mr. Zucker,

May I call you Jim? It's Jeff? Oh. Anyway....

Here's the idea. Yes, it's derivative and low-brow and really just inspired by changing one letter from the title of an existing show. Here it is:

Big Brothel : We house sixteen ladies of questionable repute in a bordello with plenty of hidden cameras. Each week one less than their number of male customers visit. The working girl who gets no action is kicked out of the house. It's a little like musical chairs. Tommy Lasorda guest stars.

p.s. Sorry about "Studio 60".

And Finally...

Do you ever listen to U2's "Window in the Skies" and think to yourself, Just how hard were they trying to write a Beatles song?