May 2007 Archives

I hesitate to pass this along.

Of all things credible, the National Enquirer is not my first choice.

But because I think you are dying to know about Tony Romo's love life (or are simply bored at work), here you go.

Everytime I hang out with my friends back home the first thing they want to know is....

"Have you seen anyone famous?"

The magazines build up star sightings by constantly tallying where any and nobody has been. There are always stories hyping it up with lines like: "So and so was spotted here... Love birds x and y were all over each other at this hot night club... A-listers blah and blah were caught dinning in the Village." Throw movie sets into the mix and I understand how my friends believe that celebs are crawling all over the concrete jungle of Manhattan.

Yesterday was a day that my friends would jump and get giddy and take pictures and talk about for days. Not gonna lie, I kinda semi a little bit got excited too when I approached my house. After hitting up a little Trader Joe's to buy some two-buck chuck (great cheap wine .. a must try if you have not) I'm walking and notice crowds of people all over the street. In addition to that there are 1950's type cars lined up on one side of the street. You see a lot living here, but that is not a normal sight. Instant thought: movie set.

Of all the movie sets I've walked by (most recently was the newest Bourne Identity) I've never actually seen the lead actor. Until yesterday.

"That's a cut," someone yells. The crowds part and that is when I see him. Mr. Titanic himself, Leo DiCaprio. Umm.. hello. I do not care who you are, the guy is a stud. And he was standing on the street right behind my house. Too bad he was working, I would've offered him some two-buck chuck. Haha...

The very first time I interviewed a professional baseball player, I called a friend. (Kind of like Who Wants to Be A Millionaire.. I used a lifeline) And I asked for some advice.

Tiff: "So what do you think? What's he like?"
Lifeline: "He's cool... just watch out. He loves blondes."
Tiff: "Haha.. shut up."
Lifeline: "Haha.. I'm not kidding."

The athlete I was going to interview? The man now affectionately known as Alex Stray-Rod Rodriguez. Hmph, guess my lifeline was right. He does like them blondes.

In all seriousness, can someone please tell the boy to be a tiny bit more discreet next time? I'm not sitting here saying what he did was right or wrong (however if he was my husband, he should not even bother to come home. His stuff would've been given to the homeless man on 92nd and 3rd. The only item he'd be autographing would be divorce papers). Where was I?

Oh yes... cheating. This is not new. Nor was it invented yesterday. Ball players on the road taking advantage of a quick bout of freedom? Not new either. However what is new is this dive into privacy by mediattzi. (I made that up but I think it works in this case) This is not journalism. This is not front page news. It is tabloid gossip and pictures used to make people jump to conclusions. Might I add there is no proof that the man did anything more then go out to a strip club, dinner and enter an elevator with a woman not his wife. Wrong? Maybe. But we weren't there. Assume what you want, but the photos we have seen prove nothing. The man going to strip clubs is not a crime. Tacky, but no crime. Maybe his wife is ok with him going? You and I do not know.

That being said, Alex buddy, you make it tough for anyone to defend you. Do I want to wake up and see your mug plastered all over the paper for anything other then baseball? Ummm.. no. So unless you get back to your April self and start smacking some homeruns OR are the sole reason the Yankees make a turnaround and actually begin to look alive (yes they won last night .. but really? It takes more then a win to jump back into contention) then please, do something with the millions of dollars the Yankees paid you besides spending it on some strippers.

Go win some games.

Notre Dame freshman cornerback Gary Gray , the highest non-Clausen rated incoming freshman on their roster, will likely miss the 2007 season while recovering from shoulder surgery. Gray, who arrived on campus in January (as did Clausen), broke his arm in Notre Dame's second spring practice...when he could have been daydreaming in Driver's Ed or Typing class back home in South Carolina...and has not played since. He recently had shoulder surgery and reports are that he'll be on the shelf this autumn. Sophomore Munir Prince, a backup at running back last season, is moving over to cornerback.
Last fall Notre Dame's top two coveted recruits, again in the non-Clausen category, were Gray and North Carolina native Greg Little (an absolute stud of a wide receiver, from what I was able to see in person at the Army All-American game). Little changed his mind at the last moment and will play for the home-state Tar Heels, while Gray will have the best seats to home games this season of any freshman not in shoulder pads.

Also in Irish grid news:

--Sophomore tight end to-be Will Yeatman, a 6-6, 260-pound manster from San Diego, was recently named an Honorable Mention All-America in lacrosse. What was I saying the other day?

--Your top bet to replace Darius Walker at tailback, since Walker is unable to replace the decision he made last January? That would be Junior Jabbie .

--Charlie Weis says that three QBs--freshman Clausen, sophomore Demetrius Jones and junior Evan Sharpley are all still in the mix to start when Georgia Tech visits South Bend on Sept. 1. Clausen throws the best ball, Sharpley understands the system best, and Jones makes the most plays. Here's one opinion that won't be listened to, but I'll let it be heard anyway: Make sure Clausen and Jones both play, either by rotating them or moving Jones to a flanker/wideout/Antwaan Randle El type role.
Why? The Irish are going nowhere this season anyway. 7-5 would be a great year for this squad. Sharpley's nice but he's not the future. Clausen will be terrific, but why have him shoulder all the burden as a true frosh? Does anyone remember how long it took before Brady Quinn ever broke a smile in South Bend, largely in part to his freshman year experience? Meanwhile, Jones is the kind of big, fast athlete the Irish need on the field. He's exciting and they really don't want him to transfer. At least give the young man a chance. Last season there were two former athletic Irish quarterbacks making a living in the NFL as wide receivers: Arnaz Battle (49ers) and Carlyle Holiday (Packers). Jones has no less potential than they did and he's a bigger body than most of the dudes in gold helmets. He needs to play.

--I've said it before and I'll say it again: Keep an eye on David Bruton in the defensive secondary this autumn.

In Arizona. Today I was driving through West Chandler , which is a section of one of the fastest-growing American suburbs of the past five years, and not the former San Diego Chargers wide receiver. Anyway, I drove past a pub that was named The Regal Beagle . Was tempted to stop in and see if Larry and Tripper were there, biting their palms in ecstasy whenever a fabulous babe strolled past.

Let's get a few of the sportsy things out of the way, shall we?

1. The Kobe Bryant demand/retraction is not a story. When I behaved like a petulant child (the latest episode, only hours ago) and made ridiculous statements ("General Irko, Dr. Zaius and I are running away to the Forbidden Zone!") my parents just ignored me. Every columnist/talking head should have done the same.
Besides, what kind of assurance can ESPN really give us that they were not complicit in manufacturing this story? The NBA playoffs have become an afterthought (Dear Commissioner Injustice: Any postseason that makes Pirates of the Caribbean 3 seem brief by comparison is in need of tweaking) so suddenly the league's highest profile player suddenly breaks his story on Screamin' A. Smith's radio show. Then retracts it on Dan Patrick's? And SportsCenter devotes more time to this "story" than they do to the Jazz-Spurs? I smell an exec coveting a higher ratings share.

2. I like the SC anchors John Andersen and Scott Van Pelt . They're what SportsCenter anchors should be. Witty (without stealing the show) self-deprecating and infused with common sense.

3. I'll be diving the Marianas Trench later this week in search of the New York Post's reputation. If you did not see it, the Post ran a cover photo of Yankee 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez with a busty blonde (not his wife) waiting for a hotel elevator in Toronto the other night. The story ("Stray-Rod") detailed Rodriguez's night out, which included a fancy dinner (with the woman and two male companions), a visit to a strip club and then implied that A-Rod and the blonde may have retired to the same floor of the hotel together.
What in the name of Joumanna Kidd is going on here?
Last summer The Post waited until July to embarrass A-Rod in public, running a cover shot of him sunbathing in Central Park (regrettably, in jean shorts) on the afternoon of a game. This year they wanted to get a head start.
It's amazing that you'll never see a photo of Derek Jeter with a woman in public unless she is famous herself. And while Jeter is single, the New York press never invades his personal space, even though he does not exactly have a reputation of sitting home and reading the "Left Behind" series.
The Post clearly crossed the line here, and I'm sure that their Yankee beat writer, George King, truly appreciated that maneuver. I'm wondering whether their in-house gadfly, sports media columnist Phil Mushnick , who never spares the rod in excoriating TV/radio folk for violating principles or being ethically challenged in favor of sucking up to whomever is signing their checks, will have anything to say about this episode.

4. Twenty-one of Major League Baseball's thirty teams have better records than the Yankees. That's 70% of the league. The Yanks were the first baseball story on SportsCenter this evening. I mean, the Colorado Rockies entered last night having won seven straight. The Arizona Diamondbacks ended the night with a seven-game win streak. And yet the Yankees hit leadoff
America loves a trainwreck. The Bombers are the Britney Spears of baseball (they may have beaten Toronto on Wednesday, but they've lost five of the last six series they've played).

5. That said, I heard Richard Justice say on PTI last week that this season will not play out like 1978, when New York trailed Boston by as much as 14 games in July and yet came back to win the pennant (and World Series). Justice said that that is unlikely to happen because "these are not the 1978 Red Sox". He's right. Those Red Sox were better.
Name your big four Boston batters of 2007: David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Jason Varitek and Kevin Youklis?
I'll take their 1978 analogues: Jim Rice, Fred Lynn, Carlton Fisk and Dwight Evans. That's before we even talk about Carl Yastrzemski, even if he was at the end of his career. Butch Hobson. Jerry Remy. George Scott.
Rick Burleson was the closest thing to an easy out in that lineup. You never got a break. And don't try comparing their offensive numbers to their '07 Sox successors. It's a different era.
Dennis Eckersley was a 20-game winner, the '78 Sox version of Josh Beckett. Luis Tiant was also near the end, but still effective. The only place where these Sox are unquestionably better than those is in the bullpen. But in July of 1978, the Boston Red Sox appeared to be absolutely invincible. It's a long season.

6. Here's the scenario: Two outs, top of the ninth, and let's say it's the 7th game of the World Series (and, just to make it more dramatic, there's a flaming meteor hurtling toward Earth). Anyway, the Yankees are down by one run and Derek Jeter, the tying run, is on first. A-Rod is up and he hits a towering fly between shortstop and 3rd base. As Jeter is running it out and he approaches an area near the two players, does he bark, "Ha!"?
Probably not. And that is one reason why A-Rod, despite perhaps being the most talented player in baseball, will never garner the respect Jeter does (that and the four rings fewer issue). A-Rod may lead the majors in homers and be fourth in RBI, but that ploy in Toronto last night and one a week earlier at 2nd base against Boston--when he blatantly elbowed Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia coming up from his slide to break up a double play--are going to get you mentioned alongside Ty Cobb for more than just your hitting prowess.
On the other hand--and maybe A-Rod's thinking this--if the dude following him in the batting order could maybe get a base hit when he's standing on first, then he wouldn't have to resort to such crimes and misdemeanors.

7. Lacrosse leftovers: First, some apologies for mistakes made. To the former SID who wrote in and reminded me that the practice of tacky T-shirts handouts is perpetrated not by SIDs (sports information directors) but by NCAA stooges, thank you. And I'm sorry.
Meanwhile, NCAA, why exactly are you doing that? To remind everyone that the NCAA is putting on the show? Why? You've got a monopoly; it's not like we or the athletes have a choice. Stop acting like the overbearing parent at his kid's Little League game who forgets whom the moment should actually be for. We'd respect you more if you just put on a good show and stayed out of the glory-grabbing business
Another apology, to Austin Walker of Johns Hopkins. I wrote that no African-Americans had played on Monday, but Walker, the son of former New York Jet wideout Wesley Walker, did. And Austin's older brother, John, was an All-American at Army and a finalist for the Tewaaraton Trophy in 2005. Looks like Wesley and his wife did a fine job of raising the kids.
As for the Duke team being given another year of eligibility by the NCAA, I don't agree with that. The NCAA did not end Duke's season in 2006; Duke did. While the circumstances may be extraordinary, the NCAA should have told Duke that losing that year was one of just many ramifications the Blue Devil brass should have considered before they pulled the plug last spring.

Non-Sports Thoughts

1. My new personal hero is Johns Hopkins senior attack Jake Byrne , and not because he scored four goals in Monday afternoon's 12-11 win over Duke in the D-I men's national championship. It's for his sense of getting what really matters.

See, I've been fortunate enough to attend quite a few national championships this past decade and there's just one thing that leaves me with a sour taste after each one. That is this: the shameless rush each school's sports info. department seems to be in, the very second the game ends, to hand out "National Champions" t-shirts to the members of the team. Why would any player, I've always wondered, rather wear some cheap T-shirt instead of the jersey they wore while achieving one of (if not THE) greatest moments of their young lives? And yet, I always seemed to be alone on an island on this thought.
Until today.
Twenty minutes after the clock expired, while all of Byrne's teammates were wearing the uncomplimentary complimentary T-shirts and snipping off pieces of a lax goal net for themselves, he stood proudly wearing his No. 25 powder-blue jersey. It was sweaty and smelly, of course, but Byrne happily wore it and only it.
I asked him why.
"I just decided," he said--and remember, he's a senior; this was his final game, "that I wanted to wear this jersey as long as I possibly could. Until they made me take it off."

Wouldn't it be nice if every SID in America took Byrne's words to heart and scrapped the entire cheapie -shirt deal? It cheapens a wonderful moment. Thank you, Jake Byrne.

Corrections to earlier "blog facts":

--Mike Pressler has done a press conference since leaving Duke.

--This is the 7th-most attended NCAA event, at 48,443. There have been six men's basketball events that drew more.

The scene: Duke marches off the field as they walked on, two-by-two. Johns Hopkins took a victory lap as U2's "It's A Beautiful Day" played in the background. U2: the official house band of NCAA lacrosse (after all, one of the Duke 3 IS David Evans, which is the actual name of The Edge).

Most Outstanding Player? The honor was just given to Johns Hopkins goalie Jesse Schwartzmann (and well deserved), who also won this award two years ago when JHU also beat Duke by one goal in the national title game.

Hopkins wins!

Duke held the ball for a final play, and I'm fairly certain that it was Matt Danowski (or Brad Ross; couldn't tell if it was 40 or 10) who got in position to spin to his right and fire a hard shot from about 12 yards out. The ball seemed to ricochet off the foot of JHU goalie Jesse Schwartzmann, who just had a monster 4th quarter in terms of saves. It shot up into the air and about halfway to midfield.

Duke recovered the ball with about 0:04 left and even got one final shot from about 15-20 yards, but it sailed wide right. As the ball skittered toward the end line, the Blue Jay players began their celebration.

Great, great finish. Duke held JHU to just one second-half goal but still managed to win, thanks to some superb goal-tending from Schwartzmann, who is one of those few lax goalies who doesn't look like a doomed soul about to walk the plank.

Johns Hopkins, your 2007 D-I lacrosse national champions. That would make 43 national championships since 1891.

We've got some GENUINE excitement at the highest attended NCAA lacrosse match ever (48,443).

Johns Hopkins is up 12-11 with 0:40 to play. Duke has the ball and has just called timeout. Remember, neither Danowski nor Greer has yet scored a goal this afternoon.

Get ready for a great finish. Duke did score with ):03 to win on Saturday. They have yet to hold a lead this afternoon.

Kevin Huntley of Johns Hopkins just scored a go-ahead goal with 3:25 remaining. We'll see if it holds up, but currently it is 12-11 JHU.

The Huntley family has some history with this. Kevin's dad, David, led the Blue Jays to the 1978 and '79 NCAA championships and is the school's all-time leading scorer among midfielders. Two years ago Huntley himself, then just a freshman, scored two goals in JHU's 9-8 national title win against Duke.

Late in the game now, two minutes to play. Duke has the ball and JHU is in a zone.

Duke outscored Johns Hopkins 5-0 in the 3rd quarter to set up an exciting 4th quarter. We enter it with the Blue Devils trailing 10-9. Who knows what got Duke fired up (maybe playing for a national title? Maybe they always seem to pick up the intensity versus opponents clad in powder blue).

The Blue Jays' Rabil, a 6'3", 220-pound studrock (who, by the way, does NOT look like Erin Brunette), just scored a goal one minute into the fourth to give JHU a 2-goal cushion. It was Hopkins' first score in nearly 18 minutes.

UPDATE: Dookie's dynamic duo finally scored a goal. Matt Danowski, the coach's son, took a pass from Peter Lamade on a turnover and basically scored a breakaway goal.

Back to a one-point game.

Two big reasons Duke trails 10-4 at the half:

1. JHU has won 75% of the faceoffs.
2. Duke's dynamic duo, Matt Danowski and Zach Greer, who came in tied for first nationally in points with 94, have between them a total of one assist (by Greer). So far it's been Ned Crotty who has been Duke's most potent offensive weapon.

UPDATE: With just over six minutes gone in the 3rd, it's now 10-7, JHU. Duke has controlled the ball this half and that's the major difference. Danowski now has one assist. This lax, it's a turvy-topsy battle. I expect the Blue Devils to come all the way back and at least tie the score.

Update: Now it's 10-8.

The Dookies evened the score at 2-2 with just over two minutes to play in the first quarter, but then Hopkins scored two quick goals in the quarter's final 39 seconds.

The press box scuttlebutt was about Duke's second goal, when the official statistician credited it to Ned Crotty unassisted. That incited a Duke SID to leap out of his seat and have a talking-to to the stat dude. He was rather, shall we say, imperious about it all. The scorer changed it so that Zack Greer was given an assist.

Once again, I just don't understand why people play goalie in lax. Their success rate is akin to a Yankee middle reliever's, it seems.

Hopkins scores early in the second quarter: 5-2.

Thanks to a sweet, thread-the-needle pass by Paul Rabil, Johns Hopkins leads 2-0 midway through the first quarter (women's lax, halves; men's lax, quarters; discuss).

Duke just scored (he says with no exclamation point). Brad Ross.

One curious phenomonen of both lax finals: The number of high school-age and younger fans who attend the game toting their lacrosse sticks. It's sweet. Like, maybe they'll catch a foul ball. Or that's just their way of pledging allegiance to the sport. You certainly don't see that at the NCAA Pole Vault championships.

About the name of one of our two competitors, via Wikipedia:

Milton Eisenhower, a president of JHU, was once invited to speak to a convention in Pittsburgh. Making a common mistake, the emcee introduced him as "President of John Hopkins." Eisenhower retorted that he was "glad to be here in Pittburgh."[13]

The peculiar first name of philanthropist Johns Hopkins is the surname of his great-grandmother, Margaret Johns, who married Gerard Hopkins. They named their son Johns Hopkins, and his name was passed on to his grandson, the university's founder (1795-1873).

Johns Hopkins was founded in 1876 following a $7 million grant by Johns Hopkins hisself (the equivalent of $131 million today). Hopkins was America's first research university, the first to teach through seminars as opposed to just lectures and the first to offer undergraduate majors.

Duke, I can tell you from personal experience, boasts some of the country's most talented Texas Hold-'Em players.

Duke just entered the stadium as U2's "City of Blinding Lights" was playing. Don't think they planned it that way but the effect was powerful.

And now we begin:

Twelve seconds into the first quarter, and Hopkins already scored. Rabil an assist to Jake Byrne.

ESPN's George Smith , the network's unofficial scandal beat reporter, did a terrific segment on Duke lacrosse that I saw Friday. In it he talked about how (something hardcore lax fans have been aware of quite some time, but not casual sports fans) the Blue Devil players wear warm-up shirts that have one of three numerals on them: "45, 13, or 6".

Yes, those numerals correspond to the numbers worn by Evans, Finnerty and Seligmann, the trio that were indicted. That the Blue Devils don them in public, and that the administration does not censure the overt show of support, tells you just how much Duke's lax program thinks of the validity of Crystal Mangum's accusations. In short, they're saying, "She's not the victim; these three were."

Quite a bold statement.

They also have a Latin phrase on their sleeves, "succisa veriscit", which translates to "When cut down, it grows back stronger." It's the motto of the Delbarton School in Morristown, N.J., alma mater of three current Duke players. It's also my personal motto for chest hair.

--There should be between 45,000-50,000 fans here this afternoon. That makes the D-I Men's Lacrosse Championship the most highly attended NCAA championship conterst. Remember, bowl games are not official NCAA events and the hoops final is played indoors. So think about that.

Mike Pressler, the former Duke coach who resigned in the heat of the controversy last season, is here in attendance at M&T Bank Stadium today. I believe I happen to be seated right in front of a Duke SID (sports information director) who is telling someone on a cellphone in quite the stentorian voice exactly where Pressler will be sitting. And that he will be seated among some of his former Duke players. But Pressler has not spoken to anyone from the media since the story broke last year.

Other thoughts as we are less than forty minutes before game time:

1. Duke scored the game-winning goal on Saturday against Cornell with :03 to play. How bummed would ESPN be today to be airing Johns Hopkins-Cornell? And that's not meant to be a slight on the programs, but just an indictment (poor choice of word, I know) on how TV loves a good controversy. Race + sex? Sign 'em up.

2. What are the odds that at least one of the Northwestern players will wear Crocs to the White House?

3. Female lax players do NOT wear helmets, but male lax players do. Discuss.

4. Duke's goalie cramped up late in the fourth quarter of the 12-11 victory against Cornell on Saturday. A goalie cramping up? Who was in goal, Johnny Damon? Actually, the goalie, senior Dan Loftus, is an All-American.

5. This is the first time in the past 20 NCAA tournament games that Hopkins is the lower seed.

6. Hopkins' best player is Paul Rabil, No. 9., but the best 1970s porn 'do-plus-stache belongs to freshman midfielder Max Chautin:

http://hopkinssports.cstv.com/sports/m-lacros/mtt/chautin_max00.html

Would I lie to you?

7. All three accused Duke players from last season are also here today.

8. Duke's top two players are Matt Danowski (40) and Zack Greer (25).

9. Just learned that my high school, Brophy College Prep, won the state title in lacrosse. How long have they been holding state championships in lacrosse in Arizona?

10.Based solely on the media guide photos, there are just three African-American lax'ers here today. All three--freshman Lorenzo Holt, sophomore Austin Walker and junior Val Washington--play for Johns Hopkins (thanks to poster for correcting me). I cannot wait to see how much more fun D-I lacrosse will be to watch when the rosters are at least one-third African-American. And if that comment strikes you as politically incorrect, when is the last time you watched a football game, college or pro, in which less than one-third of the players were African-American?

Okay, an admission of regret. I could just erase some of what I wrote in the previous blog, but that would be dishonest.

The more I read about the Duke rape case, the more I actually do sympathize with the players involved. They were stupid for hiring strippers whom they did not know to perform at their party (my rule: Always hire strippers you've previously dated; just to be safe). But as you read the Wikipedia entry on the case--and I'm not claiming that it is the 100% truth--you do get the sense of an accuser with almost zero credibility.

If the accounts are accurate, she had already had sex with three different people that day (at Notre Dame, where I went to school, we'd call that a prolific decade). Anyway, putting yourself in Duke president Richard Brodhead or athletic director Joe Avela, it's difficult to say that you'd act differently, no? Especially in the light of fellow team member Ryan McFadyen's profane email...even if he was just making a sophomoric attempt at irony.

Former Duke coach Mike Pressler , who resigned in the wake of the scandal, has recently published a book entitled, "It's Not About The Truth". The title emanates from a conversation Pressler (now the head coach at Bryant University in Rhode Island) had with Avela shortly before resigning in which he begged his boss, "Can't we just wait until the truth comes out?"

Avela's reply became the book's title.

The case has become a litmus test for one's politics and racial perspectives, and that's how come the Duke lacrosse story transcends sports. Anybody who spent four years at college can completely appreciate and understand how the Duke players got themselves into this situation: off-campus party, a few games of beer pong, somebody decides to pull a Joel Goodson, and then the next thing you know you're dealing with a legal-and-media barrage that makes Guido the Killer Pimp look like a toy poodle. And then someone writes an off-color email that gets released into the wrong hands (if you learn anything in life in the internet age, it's that anything you write to anyone can become the province of the last person you'd want to have read it...which is why I prefer to blog...I already know everyone can see it).

In short, I can imagine this happening to me and my friends from college and while I don't think any of us would have used the "N-word" or told the stripper what to do with a broomstick, I also know that a nineteen year-old's judgment can be impaired by a few games of beer pong.

Then there's the accuser. Is she getting a free pass in all of this? How you reply to that question is why this is such a powderkeg? Yes, the accused were a privileged group. Upper middle-class Caucasian males who would graduate from a prestigious university and probably never know the hopelessness, financially and in other ways, that the accuser lives with every day. But is that in itself a crime? And did any disrespect they show her merit her actions against them? If this case is a referendum as to how you live your life, who comes off worse?

Anyway, these are the things you wonder about as you wait for a lacrosse game to begin.

Greetings on this Memorial Day morning from M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore. It'll be Duke versus Johns Hopkins today for the Division I Men's National Championship in lacrosse. This game, like last night's women's final, is a rematch of the 2005 national championship game.

Johns Hopkins, the Murphy's Oil Soap of collegiate lacrosse (I mean, there may be other oil soap companies, but their brand name is inextricably linked to the product, right?), won that game 9-8 in overtime. But earlier this season on April 7, Duke defeated Hopkins here in Baltimore 11-9. The Blue Jays have not lost since. Then again, either have the Blue Devils.

More pre-championship skinny below, and I shall endeavor not to include the terms "stripper", "Nifong" or "preppy" or "Gary Gait":

(by the way, in solidarity with my Northwestern distaff homeys, I am wearing sandals in the press box; as I did last night):

The Wildcats held on to win, 15-13, for their third consecutive national championship. Which means that their coach, Kelly Amonte Hiller, has been associated with the only two teams to win three consecutive national championships in women's lax history. You can only wonder what the most successful coach in women's collegiate lacrosse earns.

And how much Ivy League or ACC schools would be willing to pay to lure her away from the Midwest. But Amonte Hiller who, like her big brother Tony, has found her greatest athletic success in Chicago, may just be tempted to stay. She's building something special and athletic director Mark Murphy (yes, the former Washington Redskins safety) sure digs her. Murphy was one of the first to give Amonte Hiller a hug when the clock hit 0:00.

One funny moment: Don't know how it happened, but Northwestern's Kristen Kjellman grabbed the NCAA championship trophy only moments after the clock ran out. The entire team was buzzing around Kjellman, as she held the trophy aloft, while the P.A. announcer asked that we "please remain off the field for the trophy presentation". It seemed that Kjellman pre-empted that.

Oh, and by the way, yes, this is the same Northwestern squad that was involved in the scandalous, sandalous White House visit two years ago. You remember. They won their first national championship and were invited to the Rose Garden in July for the presidential photo op. And a few people were upset that some of the players wore sandals instead of dress shoes. And that was the one thing anyone outside of Evanston could tell you about Northwestern lacrosse.

Now, however, they've won three in a row. The Wildcats are a burgeoning dynasty and their terrific coach, just 33 years old, is a rising star in women's collegiate athletics. Even though she still looks young enough to be playing.

I apologize for not knowing enough about lax to describe what's going on right now, but it reminds me a lot of my first high school freshman mixer. There's a lot of parrying and feints and false moves, but no action. I think the Northwestern attack has the ball behind the goal, but no one on UVA is coming out to challenge her. The goalie and one defender are just having a stare down with her, and the other five Wildcat defenders are playing ring-around-the-rosey with one another out at the top of the circle.

This has been going on for about three minutes. It's a sort of mutual delay tactic. Meanwhile, some exec at CSTV is bellowing, "We're NEVER televising this again!"

But actually, we have ourselves a thrilling final right now. UVA has closed to withing 14-13 with less than five minutes to play. Prior to the stall tactic the Cavaliers' Megan O'Malley scored the goal of the match, catching a pass from teammate Ashley McCulloch in mid-jump and firing it before landing for the goal. Great play. You could hear the "Whoa!'s" even in the media section.

Northwestern goalie Morgan Lathrop just made a beatiful save of a shot from near point-blank range. And now Northwestern has gone down for another goal by Katrina Dowd (her third tonight).

It's 15-13, Northwestern, with 2:29 to play.

Attendance for tonight: 6,075. An NCAA women's lax record.

In case I forgot to mention it, this is a rematch of the 2005 title game, which Northwestern won 13-10.

I really like this No. 10 for Virginia, freshman midfielder Kaitlin Duff (no relation to Lizzie McGuire). She just made a nice steal in the crease and raced with the ball the length of the field. Nobody could catch her, and she soon scored. Duff is lightning out there. Fast and with no dropoff in energy. She's thinner than most of the other lax'ers out there, but she compensates for that with enthusiasm. Someone should name a beer after her. Or

The Cavs have come out in the second half with a lot more pep, led by Duff (whose dad, Jim, played college hoops at Kentucky) and they've now closed the deficit to a pair of goals. It's 12-10, Northwestern, with 21:46 to play.

Now it's 12-11. We got ourselves a game.

How to explain the Cavs' turnaround? Easy. LeBron simply took over and stopped worrying about getting his teammates involved.

An aside: Please let's take out all the idiots who ridiculed LeBron for passing the ball to Donyell Marshall at the end of Game 1 and have them banned from watching (or at least commenting on) hoops for one year. You have a better-than-average 3-point shooter wide open with a chance to take Game 1 on the road at Detroit if he just buries it. Smart play. You're an NBA small forward. You're supposed to make that shot.

I don't remember anyone chiding Horace Grant for passing to John Paxson.

The Wildcats have scored seven unanswered goals to take a 7-2 lead. Actually, I don't believe that they were completely unanswered by the Cavs. I imagine UVA coach Myers muttering unmentionables under her breath with each succeeding Wildcat strike and then wondering aloud, "Perhaps I should have dressed up a bit more for this game. JDub is no one to model oneself after as a fashion plate."

Virginia just scored. It's 7-3.

God bless 'em, but I cannot fathom why anyone would want to be a lax goalie. Virginia's, Kendall McBrearty (and you couldn't make up a more fitting flax [female lax] name) has actually played very well, but it's just such a destined-to-fail job. I mean, have you felt a lax ball? Do you even want to stop it? Watching lax goalies reminds me of that bizarre "Shoot The Freak" attraction at Coney Island.

http://www.picpatrol.com/entry.php?category=13&entry_id=104&page=0

HEGEMONY? NO, SHEGEMONY

I've gone too far into this blog without lauding the ridonkulous dominance of the Northwestern women this season.

After losing their season opener, 9-8 in overtime to North Carolina at Chapel Hill, the Wildcats have won twenty straight (Vanderbilt were the victims of their wrath in the next game, falling 20-2). Here's just some of the spectacular stats that--and I know numbers can be boring...except 99, that number's never boring...I mean, you've got Barbara Feldon and the luft balloons and....what were we talking about?--oh yes, Northwestern's nutty stats.

The Wildcats are dominant both offensively and defensively.

Numbers you should know:

1. Kristen Kjellman , the reigning Tewaaraton Trophy winner (and possible repeat winner when that name is announced on Wednesday) is the NCAA's all-time leader in tournament goals. She entered the game with 38 and has at least one this evening. Kjellman, by the way, is also a dead ringer for CNBC's Erin Brunette if Brunette had a younger sis with honey-blonde hair.

Check it out:

Kjellman:

http://nusports.cstv.com/sports/w-lacros/mtt/kjellman_kristen00.html

Brunette:

http://www.gogomag.com/eb/

Kjellman is also the first lax'er, male or female, to win the Tewaaraton Trophy who does not play for an East Coast school (don't get too hot and bothered, though; the award's only been around since 2001).

2. Northwestern leads the nation in scoring defense, entering tonight's game with a 5.9 goals-against average. Only Notre Dame has scored in double figures (an 18-10 Wildcat win) against them this spring.

3. Counting tonight's 11 goals (it's 11-6 late in the first half), Northwestern has broken the NCAA record for goals in a season. The previous record was 351 and they now have 357.

4. The Wildcats already set the single-season points (goals + assists) record before tonight's game, with 505. Right now they have...more than that.

4. They also, tonight, have broken the NCAA assists record in a season, which was 165.

5. The Cats will almost certainly break the NCAA record of 16.1 goals per game tonight. They entered the game averaging 16.4 per and they already have 11 in the first half.

6. Their goalie, Morgan Lathorp , entered tonight's game leading the nation in goals-against average (5.74) and in save percentage (.586).

7. Five different Northwestern players have scored 50 goals this season.

Remember, all of this is just in Northwestern's sixth season back. This would be their third championship in six seasons (they'd also become only the second team, after their coach's alma mater, Maryland, to win at least three in a row; Amonte Hiller steered to the first of five straight). This at a school which is not only not a powerhouse in its own conference, the Big Ten, but at a school located far away from the lacrosse breeding grounds of East Coast prep schools.

Truly an outstanding accomplishment.

Amonte Hiller, by the way, is a Massachusetts native. As is her top player, Kjellman, who as a high school senior in Westwood, Mass., led her school (Westwood) to its first state championship by scoring the game-winning goal in the final minute. Kjellman captained the lacrosse, soccer and basketball teams as a high school senior. The lax and hoops teams were a combined 168-12 during her career and Northwestern is 76-5 in her four seasons in Evanston.

Kids like that get on my nerves.

No, you get the feeling we'll all be working for her some day. She even was named the winner of the Wildcats' "Lax Idol" bus karaoke contest for two years. Kjellman: the kid's a winner.

At the half, it's Northwestern ahead, 11-6. Still a game.

Hey, and I just wanted to say: There are something like 56 NCAA varsity athletes on the field this evening. And almost all of them are going pro in something other than sports.

That's for you American Movie fans.

Quick update on the score: It's 2-2 after six minutes. The Cavaliers scored two quick goals before Northwestern even got possession of the ball, but the Wildcats, aided by a goal by Tewaaraton Trophy (the lacrosse Heisman) winner Kristen Kjellman, have evened things up.

A few quick obserations, as Northwestern takes a 3-2 lead on Casey Donohoe's goal:

-- I like Virginia coach Julie Myers . It's a stifling hot day in Philadelphia--or at least it was-- and Myers has dressed for the national championship game in running shoes, khaki shorts, and a blue polo shirt with a Virginia emblem. It's rare, nearly unheard of, to find a coach as casually dressed as I am. But it's the smart move on this hot day.

--Did you ever see The In-Laws ? I mean the good one, with Alan Arkin and Peter Falk. Remember the advice about avoiding gunfire by running "serpentine"? Well, you absolutely need to learn how to run serpentine, it seems, to be an effective lacrosse player. Especially if you're the one with the ball.

--All the fans (many of them high school kids who brought their own lax sticks, which is a nice touch) are seated on the south side of Franklin Field, and all the media are seated on the north field. I wonder if word got out that I did not have time to shower after going for a slow and sweaty run along the Schuylkill this afternoon. My "shower" was two bottles of water poured over my head (if you happen to live in the Fairmount section of Philly and saw a guy changing clothes out of the trunk of his car at about 4:30 today, well, guilty.

--Too bad Don Imus isn't around anymore. When he and his producer saw the video of this game tomorrow--you know how Imus loved to opine on women's NCAA championship games--he might have coined the term "flaxen-headed ho's"....although I doubt he'd have said that.

...Again, strike that. Still at the women's lacrosse national championship game. And really, what business is it of yours what undergarments I happen to be wearing as long as I do my job well? Marv, would you like to comment?

Before we commence with the utter overall dominance of the lasses from Evanston, Ill., allow me to toss this existential query your way: How many citizens of La Crosse, Wisconsin, do you suppose are watching this game this evening? And in case you wondered, there are no Cheeseheads on the Northwestern squad, even though Evanston is located a mere forty or so miles from America's Dairyland.

According to Wikipedia: "Despite this, there is no written record of any visit to the site (of La Crosse) until 1805, when Lt. Zebulon Pike mounted an expedition up the Mississippi River for the United States. Pike recorded the location's name as "Prairie La Crosse". The name originated when he saw the Native Americans playing a game with sticks that resembled a bishop's crozier or la crosse in French."

If only Pike, of Peak's fame, had stumbled upon the locals playing dodgeball. Dodgeball, Wisconsin. I'd live there.

ANYHOO.... While the little national media devoting themselves to lacrosse this weekend are sequestered 105 miles south on I-95 in Baltimore for tomorrow's men's final and the seductive redemption tale of Duke ("Hey, they had strippers at the party, AND they're in the national championship! Wooo!"), this Northwestern team is, just on the basis of their overall excellence, a more worthy story.

First, a little history: the Northwestern program was dropped in 1992 and then resurrected in 2002 under head coach Kelly Amonte Hiller , who is my new hero. A former two-time national lacrosse player of the year at Maryland (1995 and 1996, where she led the Terrapins to back-to-back undefeated seasons and national titles), Hiller was also an All-American in soccer and also competed in the World Triathlon Championships in Switzerland in 1998.

Total studette. Oh, and her big brother is five-time NHL All-Star Tony Amonte.

But Kelly is the jock in the family. And an even better coach. As I said, Northwestern didn't even exist as a varsity program in 2001. In 2002 Amonte Hiller (her hubby, Scott Hiller, is an assistant coach as well as a big deal in the sport). Hiller had five sophomores and fifteen freshman. Two of her players had never even picked up a lacrosse stick before.

But the programs has climbed swiftly. In the last three seasons the Wildcats are 61-2, and have won a pair of national titles. Before they came along, the only national title in Northwestern's history was a 1941 fencing championship. I mean, good for those guys, but these Wildcat players (except for the frosh) have personally won more team national championships than all the previous Northwestern athletes in school history combined .

Check that; I'm at women's lax.

The NCAA Championship. In Musbergerese, "You are looking LIVE at Franklin Field , on the campus of the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. I'm joined by Phyllis George, but I'm not joined to Phyllis George. That would be entirely inappropriate."

ANYWAY, it's the NCAA Women's Lacrosse Championship, and we have a good one. Two-time defending champion Northwestern --that's right, Northwestern-- going up against the last school to win the title before the Wildcats, Virginia.

Both of these programs lived a semis charmed life on Friday evening. The Cavaliers (19-3) beat ACC rival Duke (yes, they have a women's team, also; George Smith didn't tell you that?) 14-13 by staging the largest comeback in NCAA Championships history. Duke scored with 20:46 remaining in the second half to take a 13-4 lead. UVA called timeout. Then someone found a can opener and all the Cavs chugged some spinach or something because the proceeded to score ten unanswered goals. During the 10-0 run senior Megan Havrilla , a suburban Philly native, scored three goals as did sophomore Blair Weymouth , who was the 2006 National Rookie of the Year.

Jess Wasilewski, another Philly native, scored the winning goal for the Cavs with 0:09 to play.

V

Another begins.

Keyshawn Johnson said the hell with playing another year of football, I'm getting on TV in a different way. Gone are the pads and uniform to be replaced by a pressed suit and sharp tie. Sunday will remain a big game day for Johnson however, this time he will be worrying about makeup and cue cards rather then a playbook.

Yup, he joined ESPN's cast for "Sunday NFL Countdown" and "Monday Night Countdown".

This could get interesting.

Jim Breuer.

AKA - Goat Boy.

Huge (I'm talking the single most enthusiastic baseball team supporter I've ever met) Mets Fan.

Funny.

Random.

Unpredictable.

Just a few things that come to mind when reflecting on my morning spent with Breuer at a Reebok Event, hanging out in Times Square in New York City. He's an awesome guy, very personable and quite possibly the most animated guest we've ever had. A must see!!

Man, I am ashamed. It's the top of the seventh inning and I'm just now making a Trenton Thunder/Thunder Road pun.
I have definitely lost something off my fastball...just like Roger Clemens.

And think of all the apropos lines....

"So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young any more..."

"With a chance to make it good somehow/ Hey, what else can we do now?"

And, lastly, what Roger will not likely say in his post-game press conference as he makes his way to his next start, most likely for the big club at Toronto:

It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win!"

"I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."

Did you really expect us to spend an entire evening at Waterfront Park without an On The Waterfront reference?

Speaking of which, we'd like to announce that Waterfront outdueled First Energy Park in the attendance battle today. Tonight's announced crowd of 9,134 is the largest in Waterfront Park history and almost a thousand more than Lakewood drew.

Mass Exodus

Immediately after the P.A. announcer told the capacity crowd, "You ARE the greatest fans in baseball!", nearly half of them are getting up and walking out. Not because of what he said. But because Roger was just taken out of the game.

Clemens might should have taken the curtain call after five innings...after all, it was an official game then and he had the lead. Instead, he came out for the sixth and this is what happened:

first batter: single to center on an 0-1 count
2nd batter: single to right on first pitch
3rd batter: sac bunt on first pitch, runners advance to 2nd and 3rd
4th batter: hit by pitch on a 2-2 count; bases loaded
IGGY SUAREZ!: walks on a 3-2 count. One run forced in.

So, yes, let history show that Iggy Suarez knocked Roger out of the box. And may have been the final minor league hitter Clemens ever faces.

The SeaAnemones score 2 runs this inning, both charged to Clemens, so right now he can only get the loss.

The total tally:

5 1/3 innings
6 hits
3 runs
5 strikeouts
4 walks plus one hit by pitch
one wild pitch
102 pitches total

That's not what I'd call a "Million Dollar Baby" performance. If he were anyone but Roger, wouldn't the Yankee brass tell him to stay down in the bushes until he got sharp. Certainly he did not strike any fear into the Portland Sea Anemones, a AA team that entered tonight's game with an 18-20 record.

Roger's line in the top of the fifth:

First batter: Grounds out 3-1 on a 2-2 count. Don't you love the math of baseball? Roger did a nice job beating the runner to the bag.
Second batter: First-pitch line-drive double just past the first baseman.
Third batter: Three-pitch strikeout
Fourth batter: Fly out to right on a 1-0 count.

For the fifth inning that's one hit, no runs, no walks, one K. Eleven pitches.

Roger's final line (assuming he's done):

One run (earned)
Four hits....three doubles, one triple
Five strikeouts
Three walks

84 pitches total (I may be off by one, but then again, I may not be).

Roger didn't exactly look like a million bucks, which is approximately what the Yankees will be paying him per start. Then again, he wasn't Kei Igawa, either. He gave Portland a good Rogering. Not a great Rogering.

If I had to rank the Yankee pitching rotation right now, I'd put Roger third. The ace is Chien Ming-Wang, followed closely by Andy Pettite (who's pitched far better than his record). Then Rocket. After that Mike Mussina, who is struggling this season. His ERA is up around six. Then I LOVE Phil Hughes, who's my No. 5 only because he has only pitched about 12 innings in the bigs. But when he returns, and has a start or two under him, watch out.

And here's hoping that the Yankee Clippard sticks around. And that Carl Pavano remains AWOL.

Meanwhile, of the many reasons Yankee fans should shudder is the fact that Boston now has two closers who are more effective than Mariano Rivera: Jonathan Papelbon and Hideki Okajima.

Wait a moment: Here comes Roger, back for the sixth inning.

The score is 2-1 Thunder, by the way. Top of the sixth. Doesn't Roger know that Yankee starters don't last into the sixth inning any more? That's what Scott Proctor is for.

So I've been giving you pitch counts, etc. But you want a first-hand eyewitness account. Well, Roger looks a little heavy. Somewhere between burly and heavy. Hurvy. He looks hurvy. We all hear about Roger's legendary workout schedule, but if it's anything like what Pedro Martinez is doing in his rehab with the Mets right now ("four to five hours a day!" Wow. Where my parents worked, that was known as "before lunch"), well, maybe he can work a little harder.

Roger's upper body is becoming one amorphous mass with no distinct boundaries. Not unlike North America. He looks like your uncle who you just know cand down 22 beers at once. And you're just wondering why he had to do it before he came over for Thanksgiving dinner ("Give us a hug, doll".).

Anyway, here he comes, out for the top of the fourth. By my highly unofficial count (something about a bratwurst being lodged in my crotch), I have the Rocket at 63Go pitches.

Top 4th

First batter: 4-pitch strikeout.
2nd batter: doubles down the right-field line on a 1-0 count
3rd batter: lines out to 3rd baseman on 0-1 count
IGGY SUAREZ: Grounds out to 3rd on a 1-0 count. Very nice play by Aarom Baldiris.

Clemens' briefest, best inning yet: Ten pitches, one K, one hit, no walks, no runs.

Total through four innings: 73 pitches. One run. Three hits. Four strikeouts. Three walks.

Meanwhile, Roger's BFF, Andy Pettite, is up in the Bronx pitching a shutout against Portland's parent club through four innings. 6-0, Yanks, at the moment.

But of course there is.

I'm starving here and ran to purchase a brat during the bottom of the 2nd, when the Thunder were batting. Things are so cramped here at the stadium (I believe the entire town of Hamilton, N.J., is occupying the SRO space on the concourse), including auxiliary press row. So the only place to put my brat is in my lap. I believe Jamie Gumm once had a similar quandary.

Anyway, top of the third:

1st batter: doubles on the second pitch
2nd batter: 1st pitch out
3rd batter: grounds out to short on the sixth pitch; fielder's choice, run scores from 3rd
4th batter: strikes out on 7th pitch

The tally: 16 pitches, one hit, one K, no walks, one run.

Clemens' opponent on the hill tonight is an intriguing one. Like Roger, Clay Buchholz is launching his career in the Red Sox system (Portland is Boston's AA affiliate) and is a native Texan. He's a 6'3" righty; Clemens is a 6'4" righty.

Buchholz was born on August 14 (1984); Clemens on August 4 (1962). In fact, Clemens made his Major League debut on May 15, 1984, almost three months to the day before Buchholz was born.

2nd Inning, and Clemens looks much better against the bottom of the Sea Dog order:

1st batter: Strikeout on five pitches
2nd batter: Strikeout on four pitches
3rd batter, the one and only Iggy Suarez: doubles (plus a one-base fielding error) down the 3rd- base line on a 1-0 count.
4th batter: weak liner to 3rd baseman, on a 2-2 count; 6 pitches.

The totals: One hit, no runs, no walks, 2 strikeouts. 17 pitches.

Top of the first here at Waterfront Park in Trenton and the Rocket is looking more dud than Sputnik thus far.

First batter: 4 pitches, flyout to deep center on a 2-1 count
Second batter: 6 pitches, base on balls on a 3-2 count
Third batter: 7 pitches, same; BB on a 3-2 count
Fourth batter: 6 pitches, foul pop-up to right on a 2-2 count
Fifth batter: wild pitch (both runners advance), 6 pitches, BB on a 3-2 count

(That's right, he's walked the bases loaded; this really IS a minor league game)

Sixth batter: 1 pitch, fly out to left.

The totals: 30 pitches, three walks, no hits, no runs. Left the bases loaded.

So you can either look at it as Roger is struggling with his control, or he's unhittable through one

Bottom First Update: In a day when we've been subjected to Muckdogs and Sea Dogs, I now give you: bat dog. The Thunder use a Golden Retriever to--what else--retrieve the bats. Unless you strike out. Then you walk the bat back to the dugout yourself.

Golden Retrievers: They're the best.

Great Moments in Sportswriter Stalking

And I'm not even talking about the entire Bonnie Bernstein episode, circa 2003. No, I'm talking about the coup scored by myself and freelance photographer Brian Price a few moments ago. Here's the scene. There's a flustercuck of media, photographers and fans around the dugout at about 6:15, all of them waiting for Roger Clemens to emerge from the catacombs of Waterfront Park.

Well, I hate crowds (which explains why I live in New York city). So I mosey (it was definitely a mosey; not a saunter; nor a skeedaddle) down the right-field line toward the Thunder bullpen. After all, the Rocket has to warm up some time, right?

And as I approach the area, I spot Price speaking to a Yankee security guard. "If it's anything like the game at Legends Field (last Friday night in Tampa)," Barry the guard tells Brian, "he'll come out through the back of the stadium and along this path."

And with that Barry points to a narrow cement path at the end of the first-base line stands. This is the minors. The stands only go about 2/3 of the way down the line. Barry and I exchange "A-Ha" looks. And we quietly wait, out of view of the media milling around the dugout.

And then it happened. At about 6:35 p.m. the Rocket hisself emerged right from where Barry said he would. He walked right past me--deeply tanned face, two days' growth of facial hair-- and past Brian, who thus scored exclusive photos of the Rocket's first appearance.

I scored exclusive what? Coverage of that? It's not as chic when you don't have a camera with you. Need to learn how to operate one someday.

Other pregame notes:

--The Seadogs have a player named Iggy Suarez . His flyouts will of course be described as Iggy pops. You have to love it when you get an Tuffy Gosewisch and an Iggy Suarez in the same day. Don't worry, Boof Bonser, you're still my favorite.

--The BlueClaws drew 8,063 fans earlier today. We'll see if Trenton outdraws them. They should: it's a night game and it's the Rocket.

--I was wondering, and now the question has been answered: they still use "Big League Chew" in minor league dugouts.

Top of the First

Roger's first pitch is a ball. Afte rthe second pitch is also outside, some wiseacre kid barks, "Throw some strikes!"

Portland's leadoff hitter gets good wood on the ball, but flies out to deep center.
--

Poor Freddy Sanchez.

Dude wins the National League batting title last year, and his old team, the Trenton Thunder, decide to stage a Freddy Sanchez Bobblehead Night in his honor. What happens? Roger Clemens arrives and steals the former Thunder's thunder.

At least Ryan Howard had formerly played for the Lakewood BlueCrabs. This is Clemens' debut with the Thunder. Then again, Freddy Sanchez can always tell people that his Bobblehead Doll Night set attendance records at Waterfront Park in Trenton.

Speaking of Sanchezes, my Hollywood friend, Moose, informed me that Will Ferrell and his lesser-known sidekick, Adam McKay, named their production company Gary Sanchez Productions and even installed him as the president. Which is funny, because there is no Gary Sanchez.

So, greetings from Trenton. It's an older park than Lakewood's with a different type of charm. You look out beyond the right field fence and you see the mighty Delaware River, which is actually not so mighty up here It seems to be running a little low right now. But it's pretty and rural up here, at least on the Pennsylvania side.

It's painful to attend not one but two minor league games on a sunny day and not buy one beer. There's a Spaten stand right behind me. I love Germans. I love their cars. And I love their beer (their pop music I could do without). Barry, don't look, I may have to sip a Spaten later on this evening.

Tell the truth: If you're a Yankee fan, didn't you wake up this morning thinking that if there's one cartoonishly oversized, overpaid pinstriper who'd be dominating the news today, it would be Roger Clemens? So did I.

At the earlier game today, the P.A. announcer showed his sense of humor by playing "Under Pressure" and "Emotional Rescue" whenever a pitching coach or manager made a trip to the mound. Does anyone play Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out".

Moment of silence, please: They're playing "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects during Portland's batting practice. Portland. The Portland (Maine) Sea Dogs. I'm not making that up. Muckdogs. Seadogs. From now on, everyone gets a dog. Trenton Thunderdogs. New York Yankeedogs. New Jersey Devildogs. Mmmmm, Devildogs. Love them. But they're not in my top three of Hostess/Drakes cakes. In order:

1. Ring Ding (the standard by which all other snack cakes may be measured)
2. Ho Ho's (Yodels are an inferior impostor; kind of like seeing O.A.R. when you really wanted to see DMB)
3. Hostess Cup Cakes (when we were kids the trick was to rip off the leathery top layer and eat that separately; as if I don't still do that).

Back to the game. It's 5:52 here and the SeaDogs are taking BP. And now they're about to face the scrutiny that someone who is not pro-children is about to endure. See, we were just handed a release that says that for every strikeout Clemens tosses tonight, Dairy Queen will donate $1,000 to charity. Half of that sum will go the Children's Miracle Network.

Staying on the children topic. I'd almost rid it from my memory, but during the Lakewood game this afternoon the P.A. dude played the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song and every child there yelled the refrain--"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!!"--with the intensity of a thousand suns. And I don't mean Hagerstown Suns. I'm telling you, if during the playing of that song I'd spotted a booth with a sign that read "FREE VASECTOMIES!" I'd have been there in a moment.

GUESS WHAT??? The Trenton Thunder are more hip than the NBA. Right now the P.A. system is playing Grace Kelly by Mika. Only a few days ago I implored David Injustice do dump that crappy "Right Now" tune from the NBA promos and go with something from Mika. And the Thunder are doing it. They have won me over. I may have to go purchase a "Got Thunder?" T-shirt. When Trenton scores tonight, I will give them Thunder Claps.

By the way, we're situated in an auxiliary press box. It's for the lesser writers (I am where I belong), but it's better. We're actually outside on this beautiful evening. And here's what else is funny. They've put up this fiberglass lattice in front of us to "protect" us from foul balls. But I WANT a foul ball. The lattice reminds me of the garden my mom used to attempt each spring back in Middletown, N.J. I hope we have a tomato vine growing on it by the fifth inning.

Finally, it would be an invasion of his privacy to re-print the e