MAVS AND MAV-NOTS
I don't like this flurry of NBA trades at all. No sir. The Dallas Mavericks, for instance, had to pull Keith Van Horn out of retirement in order to complete a trade with the New Jersey Nets. Van Horn-of-Plenty will not play for the Nets -- he may not even need to travel to New Jersey -- he'll just collect more cash. In a related deal, Mark Cuban has also picked up the contracts of Joan Van Ark, Jerry Van Dyke and Lilly Von Schtupp, the latter of whom best summed up my feelings about the NBA trade deadline some 34 years ago in the film Blazing Saddles: "I'm tired of men always coming and going, and going and coming ..."
I mean, seriously, when did the NBA become the American League East? I just read yesterday that the Houston Rockets acquired Eric Gagne because they were afraid Denver would land him first. The entire league has become one magnificent key party, with no team seemingly satisifed to dance with the gal they brung.
Why did any of us bother to follow the NBA during the first half of its season -- oh wait a second, that's right: we didn't -- if all of the contending teams were going to undergo a personality makeover to rival that of Rob Lowe in the early 90s (Remember? Post-St. Elmo's Fire: Rob Lowe's a pretty-boy himbo. Then, post-Wayne's World: Rob Lowe doesn't take himself too seriously! Yea! Let's turn him into Sam Seaborn!)? Okay, there's a lot to digest in that sentence; I'll wait here while you catch up.
Back with me? Good. Look at the Western Conference. In the past two weeks three of the top six teams have dramatically altered their team composition. The Lakers acquired Pau Gasol in exchange for Marc Gasol (who knows, maybe Marc is the next Eli Manning?), the Suns got Shaq in exchange for Shawn Marion and the Mavs landed Jason Kidd in exchange for half the 214 area code. By the way, dirty pool on behalf of Gregg Popovich, purchasing courtside seats for Toni Braxton and Jimmy Jackson at American Airlines Arena for the remainder of the season. But I digress...
I know this is hopelessly old-fashioned of me, harking back to a time before the terms "starter wife" and "cougar" were invented, but why can't teams just resolve to improve with the players they have? The New Jersey Nets, in their first game after trading away Kidd, got a season-high 33 points from Vince Carter. Where had that effort been all season long? And, please, don't tell me that Jason Kidd, the human assist machine, inhibited Carter's game.
Remember the Golden State Warriors last season? They were 26-35 at about this point and then, without acquiring anyone of significance, just learned to develop some chemistry, which is the most underrated commodity in all of sports, because you cannot quantify it. Anyway, the Warriors went on a 16-5 run to finish the season and then KO'd the No. 1 seeded Mavericks in the first round. I loved that.
Why can't NBA teams go Green -- Al Green, that is -- and make their rallying cry, "Let's Stay Together"? Imagine if the Suns had only retained the services of Kurt Thomas and held on to Marion while acquiring Grant Hill last summer? Wouldn't they be so much better-positioned for a title run, assuming that Mike D'Antoni installed seat belts on the bench during the playoffs?
Why must NBA teams botox and lipo themselves instead of just eating healthier and taking a spin class once in awhile? I knew it was bad earlier this week when CNBC's Jim Cramer and Erin Brunette dedicated their "Stop Trading" segment to Chris Wallace. When I dreamt that David Stern stood next to Mark Cuban on a Hollywood soundstage and commanded, "Amber, open the case!" (and, think about this, Keith Van Horn will earn four times the amount of the greatest possible lucre you could win on Deal Or No Deal for just sitting on his bony butt the next year or two). When a friend emailed to ask whom I thought got the better part of the Von Wafer-Taurean Green deal. There's an NBA player named Von Wafer!?! Mmm....suddenly, I'm in the mood for Cheez Whiz.
Here are some trade-related questions I have. Perhaps you can answer them for me:
1) Shouldn't the NBA Store peddle a Keith Van Horn Nets bathrobe-slippers combo instead of a jersey?
2) With all the NBA All-Stars, past and present, being traded recently, aren't we going to wake up in May realizing that it was the never-yet All-Star whom the Utah Jazz acquired, i.e. Kyle Korver, who will wind up being the most valuable addition on any Western conference roster?
3) Aren't we all glad that the Knicks didn't jeopardize their season by trading away any of their indispensable parts?
4) Has any NBA player ever more closely resembled Rodan (the Godzilla adversary, not the painter) than Pau Gasol? And wouldn't it be cool if his last name had an "i" in it, so that he was "Gasoil" and then the Grizzlies management could say things such as, "We needed to be less dependent on Gasoil," and suddenly they'd be able to fill their arena with Democrats? Although, yes, they'd still have to explain why their alternative to Pau Gasoil was Marc Gasoil.
5) How long until some enterprising restauranteur in New Orleans opens a bistro named C-Paul's to compete with K Paul's?
6) When you watch ESPN's Ric Bucher assess a trade, don't you get the feeling that he'd much rather be giving you the Accu-Weather forecast?
7) Could Baron Davis lead the AFC in rushing if he switched sports? I say Yes!
8) Wouldn't it have been easier, in terms of plane fare and moving costs, if LeBron had just traded himself to Chicago?
AMERICAN IDYLL
Before last night I had never seen an episode of American Idol. Seriously. But I was implored to do so, and thus I sat and watched a DVR'd version of Tuesday night's episode. And so this very All-American-looking chap named Jason Yeager starts belting out "Moon River" while wearing the kind of smile that every gay flight attendant I've ever me wears while offering you a hot towel (and I'm not even talking about while in the fuselage!). Anyway, out of nowhere I remark to my viewing companion, "That's a cruise-ship caliber performance."
And her jaw drops. "You swear you didn't see this on Tuesday night?"
No.
So she fast forwards to the judges' assessments. And believe it or not, Simon Cowell tells Yeager that his rendition of the Johnny Mercer classic was "cruise-shippy."
Thus, I am retiring from American Idol viewing. I mean, why not go out on top? Simon and I think alike and I don't want anything but good vibes to permeate my soul in relation to this show.
Although, I may tune in if Brooke White and David Archuleta are the last two contestants. I mean, shouldn't they be? Oh, and Colton Berry: You might have advanced to the next round if you hadn't stolen the hairdo of the twisted little brother in Wedding Crashers.0 TrackBacks
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NBCSports.com's John Walters goes into the world of college sports and well beyond. From Notre Dame to the latest in pop culture, JDub tackles it all.
How about some new NBA trade rules a la American Idol and Deal or No Deal style? (Come on G.A., I know you can help with this one!):
1. Tradees must first sing their favorite 80s song and the fans of the prospective city get to vote on if he gets to be traded or not.
2. Tradees must (on their own, no agent help allowed) change their last name to something that is easier for notable quotables to be more interesting.
3. Tradees must spend 1 hour with Paula Abdul as a pre-negotiation interview and if the tradee hasn't completely lost his mind, he gets to advance to the next round.
4. Tradees to replace the models on Deal or No Deal and if their case gets picked as the lucky case, they get to be traded.
OR
5. If a tradee's case has any amount of the right side of the board, they are out of trade contention just for the misfortunte of helping the banker make lower offers.
Here's my easy-to-follow guide to enjoying "Deal or No Deal." If the poor contestant has an offer of less than $100,000, I root for him or her. Once the contestant has passed on an offer of $100,000 as a reward for randomly picking numbers from 1 to 25, I actively root against the moron. Nothing will keep me watching more than a tailspin that ends only when there's a $1 suitcase and a $5 suitcase and the banker calls to offer a buck fifty.
If there's one area in which J-Dubs and I differ -- and there are probably three or four -- it's that I cannot bring myself to care about the NBA during the regular season, even when big, big names are getting traded around as they have been. Sixers haven't been relevant in 25 years, so I start getting interested around Game 6 of any given series.
How long do I have to keep typing in random six-letter codes before the new NBC censors recognize me. I've got one word for you guys: Kjrksz.
Nothing really to comment on here.
Just needed to test my blog comment code breaking software one more time.
Almost got it working...
A la American Idol or Deal or No Deal, the best trade of all (if any - Mavs was the worst) was the Suns getting Shaq. Not only for Shaq's numbers, but the "numbers " (I'm talking about $$$) he's bringing to the team. How many were waiting to watch Shaq to play his first game in the Suns uniform?
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