ODEN

Does anyone in Tampa know the first thing about dactylic hexameter????

What's up with Tampa Bay Major League Baseball franchise (cough, cough) changing its name from Devil Rays to Rays? Were they concerned, after a dozen or so years of existence, that their nominally demonic associations were scaring away fans? When after all it was a a dozen or so years of sub-.500 baseball played in a soul-expunging domed stadium in the midst of a retirement community.

My problem with the name change is rhythmic, not spiritual. The old name conformed to meter: Tam-pa Bay De-vil Ray. That's short-short-long, short-short-long in terms of beats. It was rhythmic. Mellifluous, even (do that with the Art Fern voice and it sounds better ... "Mellifluous even, mewwwwwwwwww"). But now they've screwed it up. Should it be Tam-Pa Bay-Rays (short-short, short-short)? Or is it Tam-pa Bay Rays (short-short, long, long)? Think of the best teams: Bos-ton Red Sox; New York Yan-kees. They have an equal number of syllables in the location and the team name. That's why those names sound better coming off the tongue than, say, To-ron-to Blue Jays.

So, no, Tampa Bay, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Besides, the team does not play in Tampa and obviously it does not play in a bay. The Rays play in St. Petersburg. So why not just call yourselves the St. Petersburg Rays?

Meanwhile, I'm counting on G.A., a Tampa-area resident, to come up with an all-time All-Ray team for us. Right now I can only think of Ray Sadecki (Rey Sanchez, sorry, that won't work).

It Just Doesn't Matter

Last night I was doing what I do far too often, which is find myself bringing a magazine to read at a bar. So I'm at Blondie's here on the Upper West Side reading a political story in "Rolling Stone". The waitress notices my pathetic existence and, likely feeling sorry for me, strikes up a conversation.

"Who you going to vote for, Obama or Hillary?" she asks (this is the Upper West Side ... no one would ever presume you'd even consider voting Republican here).

And I was slightly amoozed at that. Because on Friday night John Savage, a correspondent on Bill Maher's "Real Time," did the same thing. In a pre-taped feature he went around L.A. asking random people, "Obama or Hillary?"

And this is what I don't get: Am I a super-delegate? Are you? It's not as if most of us are going to have a choice here. People who debate back-and-forth about either candidate seem not to be living in reality. A very small and influential group of people (read more about super-delegates if you wish; I guarantee that they are not what Paul Giammati had in mind when he and Tom Wilkinson helped draft the Constitution) are going to determine whether or not Hillary or Barack will represent the Donkeys in November. And there's nothing most of us can do about it --unless you live in Pennsylvania five weeks from now.

So you can say you're for Barack all you want (or Hillary), but so what? They're not running against one another for president. They're running against one another for the Democratic nomination. And when that's decided in July, what are you going to do if the candidate the Dems pick was not your first choice? That's the real question.

Go, Cheetahs!

You may have seen the story yesterday about the owner of a Florida wildlife sanctuary being mauled by two of her pet cheetahs. Girlfriend, I can so relate. Sometimes Mirk (my adopted stray cat) claws my toes in the morning when he wants to be fed his Purina Cat Chow.

But here's what I was thinking. In this NCAA basketball tournament alone, we had a team named the Panthers (Pittsburgh), the Tigers (Memphis), the Cougars (Washington State), and at least three Wildcats (Kansas State, Arizona and Davidson) that I can think of off the top of my noodle. Penn State did not make the tourney, but they're the Nittany Lions. The East Regional final was played in Charlotte Bobcats Arena.

You know where I'm going here, right? How come, if big cat names are so popular among sports teams, that no one names themselves "Cheetahs"? They are the fastest cat out there, after all, and speed is a prized asset in most sports.

And so here is the only reason I can imagine: Because "Cheetah" sounds too much like "Cheater", and no one wants to be associated with a cheater. Fortunately, strip clubs do not harbor the same prejudices against the name, by and large (it's funny that strip clubs name themselves after animals that sports teams will not: Cheetah, rhino, etc.)

Tom Cavanagh Film Fest

My good friend Tom Cavanagh, who was the prime-mate in the gone-too-soon "Love Monkey" a few years ago, stars in tonight's Lifetime two-part mini-series, "The Capture of the Green River Killer". Tom plays the sheriff who devoted years of his life to the case, Dave Reichert. So there's that tonight, "How I Melt Your Mother", and women's hoops. I'll be watching the movie myself (Tom's wife is offering free beer if we do).

Speaking of Films ...

... I paid $305 to see the movie "August Rush" the other day (a free cross-country flight came with it). Wow, that was the worst kind of stink. As one reviewer put it, "You'll feel as if you're being fire-hosed with treacle."

I love Keri Russell and Jonathan Rhys Meyers -- both are easily believable as a concert cellist and a rock band frontman, in fact. But there's so much that is beyond belief, such as, if they did conceive a child during their one "magical" night spent on a rooftop adjacent to Washington Square, then how come she's fully dressed in her gown when they are awakend by surprise the next morning?

And why is it that a woman in New York City who is off to meet her true love at an appointed place and time always seems to get struck by a cab? I'll tell you why: because if they got struck by a bus, then they'd be dead and the movie would be over.

Robin Williams plays "Wizard", a Faginesque character. Williams seemed to be channeling both his "Good Will Hunting" character and his "The Fisher King" character and overdoing both. I read over the weekend that Williams and his wife of 19 years are divorcing. The reason was irreconcilable caricatures.

Anyway, as far as 2007 films based in Manhattan go, "August Rush" is less plausible than "Enchanted".

Boston-Miami

Last fall the New England Patriots were 27-point favorites against the Miami Dolphins. They wound up winning by 21. Yesterday the Boston Celtics were 22-point favorites versus the Miami Heat. They won by 26. The East Coast is like a physical representation of the standings in those two sports, with Boston up top and Miami down at the bottom.

Moratorium Update

Here's an early request for a springtime moratorium on the term "stunning first-round upset" as it concerns the NBA's Western Conference. Think about this for a moment. Here are five teams that will most likely be in the Western Conference playoffs:

1) The NBA champion San Antonio Spurs.

2) The Houston Rockets, who earlier this month and in February compiled the second-longest win streak (22 games) in NBA history.

3) The New Orleans Hornets, who have the league's assist leader and potential MVP in Chris Paul, as well as the best record in the conference this morning.

4) The Phoenix Suns, whose starting five accounts for three regular-season MVP awards.

5) The Los Angeles Lakers, who have the consensus best player on the planet, Kobe Bryant, although for some reason in many people's eyes, not the most valuable (as I've written before, this is his 12th season and he still has not won an MVP??!?!?).

Anyway, the point is one of these teams is going out in the first round. Not because they're primed for an upset, but simply because five is one too many to be in the second round. So when that team gets bounced--and man, have the Lakers looked ordinary lately--it's not a stunning first-round upset. It's just a numbers game.