THE RACE TO CURE CRANKINESS

Anyway, my mind began to race (much faster than my legs) to all the runs I've done in the cause of cures that have yet to come: lung cancer, breast cancer, leukemia, psoriasis (which had its own heartbeak hill). And then I thought, We're running for causes that are at the moment too implausible in terms of finding a cure.

What if we staged runs to cure some of society's ills that we may actively be able to prevent? Or at least diminish?

For example, "The Run to Cure Customer Support Incompetence".

Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. Saturday. The Crackberry, for some reason, was unable to send photographs. And last week in San Antonio I'd been able to take the photo that was to be my Christmas card picture this year. Very excited about that. The photo: I was laying out by the pool (no Speedo, Moose! It was a regulation suit), gorgeous sunny day. The Memphis Tiger mascot jumped into the pool with his costume on, so he took it off to dry out. i asked him if I might don the head, which he allowed. So there I was in the Tiger head, and below the neck it's just a dork laying out by the pool.

But for some reason, the Crackberry wouldn't send photos. So I wind up spending two hours on the horn with a Crackberry customer service rep, who in the process of "fixing" my problem deletes all of my saved phone numbers, text messages, internet access and, oh yes, photos. I didn't realize he'd done this until too late, but as he informed me, "See, you are able to send photos now."
"Yes, but why would someone phone for help in sending photos if they didn't have photos on the 'berry already that they wanted to send?!?!"

You know those Calvin & Hobbes cartoons where Calvin is absolutely apoplectic with rage? That was me. The best part was that at the end of my expletive-laced rant, the rep calmly said, "Other than that, have the issues you called about been resolved to your satisfaction?"
Seriously. He said that. I expect to see a scene like this on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" next season.

"The Run To Cure Cellphone Abuse In Confined Spaces"

If I served on a jury where the murderer had killed the victim because they got on their cell the moment the plane touched down to say, "We just arrived. Love ya'", well, I would never convict.

Here's my suggestion for those of you on my side of this societal ill. If you are in a confined space (bus, airplane, men's potty) and that person just keeps blabbing about nothing important, do what I do. Stare them right in the eye. For as long as it takes. They'll think you rude. Fine. That you're eavesdropping. Fine. Because maybe they don't realize we all can hear their inane blather just as well--better even--when we turn our heads 90 degrees.

"The Race To Cure Itsallaboutmeism"

 This, I fear, would need to be an ultramarathon. But that's what it all comes down to, no? A few simple rules, from experiences I've had just the past two days:

1) When merging into one lane because the other is closed, the zipper rule always applies. Don't be an ass.

2) If you're going to be dumb enough to bring your iPod to a race that has 7,000 entrants and you drop it right at the starting line, don't be upset that the entire field of runners isn't stopping to help you find it.

3) If the Red Sox have men on 2nd and 3rd with two out and Manny Ramirez is coming up to bat in the 7th inning, you walk him. (This, tacitly, is not a problem of selfishness, just poor managing).

And this leads us to our final race, "The Run To Cure Crankiness", which would be something to benefit this writer, obviously.

We Didn't Start The Fire

Watching the Olympic torch protests this week, which were nearly as ridiculous as a Monty Python skit, I thought of the Soul Asylum lyric from "Black Gold": "Nothing attracts a crowd/like a crowd." Here's the rule: If you cannot locate Tibet on a map, don't be protesting. If you're well-informed and you think what's happening is wrong, well, enjoy those First Amendment rights. But considering you live in a country that keeps people held without the rights of habeas corpus for doing nothing different than our soldier are doing--the other guys just don't have uniforms--well, human rights begins at home, no?

Hall, Of Fame

Ryan Hall, 2:06.17, in today's London Marathon. Ladies and gents, you're looking at the best native-born American marathoner the U.S. has ever produced.

http://www.letsrun.com/

Missed Opportunity

Wait a minute. Saturday Night Live ran, as its first post-monologue skit, a piece entitled "The Cougar's Den". And it featured host Ashton Kutcher. And they made NOT ONE joke about Demi Moore (who was backstage)? Really? Really?? Really???You think someone from the Kutcher-Moore camp may have insisted on that?

Favorite "Weekend Update" line, courtesy of Seth Meyers: "In Wisconsin someone stole $24,000 worth of Miller Beer. $24,000 worth of Miller? What, did they steal all of it?"

Also, I know at least three people who speak exactly like Nicholas Fehn. "It's like ... I'm one of those people ... here's the thing ... if we could all just ... pistachioes..."

Still Waiting

I'm still waiting for G.A. or L.A., loyal Johntouragers who happened to be at the Final Four, to opine on the nickname of 6-4 Stanford freshman Kayla Pedersen. She's known as "The Big Dichotomy". Can we get a ruling on this?

Miss USA

Somehow I missed the second greatest sporting event of April, the Miss USA pageant, which took place on Friday night. I had Jamie Hill going all the way (as well as winning ... Hey-O!) in my bracket, but she has the misfortune of representing South Carolina, and after that entire "The problem with U.S. education in America ..." calamity in the Miss Teen USA pageant, I doubt anyone from the Palmetto State will be winning a national pageant any time soon. Don't give up, Jamie. You've lost both "The Amazing Race" and "Miss Teen USA" and you're barely 24 years old. Some of us don't lose that much that publicly until much later in life.