SUPERSERIOUS SUPERSATURDAY SOOTHSAYING
I had this epiphany watching an old episode of "Entourage" last night (the one that ends with Drama waking up in the back of his convertible at the rim of the Grand Canyon). In the simplest, most elemental, least Chuck Todd-like analysis you're likely to find, can't you make the argument that John McCain is Johnny Drama and Barack Obama is Vincent Chase? Can't you see McCain raising both arms in the air and proclaiming, "VICTORY!" or barging into the offices of Daily Variety to protest a horrible review? And can't you see Obama always being smooth, whether it's with the ladies or the studio heads? Just don't ask him to appear in Aquaman II.
On to the picks...
No. 1 Oklahoma (5-0) at No. 5 Texas (5-0), Noon, ABC
What ever happened to Human Injury Timeout Colt McCoy? Suddenly the Longhorn quarterback is finishing the games he started and finishing off defensive backs (watch how he gives the extra shove here…totally unnecessary, but totally badass). The Sooners are better, but there’s just something about the Texas quarterback that tells me that this year he’s the real McCoy.
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas 31, Oklahoma! 30
Minnesota (5-1) at Illinois (3-2), Noon
One person--one!—voted for Minnesota in this week’s coaches’ poll. So who were the other 24 schools on head coach Tim Brewster’s ballot, I wonder? Anyhoo, the Golden Gophers, 1-11 a year ago, are going to be bowl-eligible this season. Just not after this week.
Champaign-Urbanas 33, Minneapolis-St. Pauls 17
Notre Dame (4-1) at No. 22 North Carolina (4-1), 3:30 p.m., ABC
“Our interlocking N-consonant symbol is mightier than your interlocking N-consonant symbol!” The last time the Fighting Irish visited Chapel Hill, a nondescript sophomore QB came off the bench late in the fourth quarter to lead them to two TDs and the win. His name? Joe Montana.
James Taylors 24, R. Dean Taylors 21
No. 19 Michigan State (5-1) at No. 22 Northwestern (5-0), 3:30 p.m., ESPN2
If this one comes anywhere near matching the fun of the last two, we will all have to recalibrate our doozy meters. Two years ago in Evanston Northwestern jumped out to a 38-3 lead—and lost! Last year in East Lansing the Wildcats won in overtime, 48-41. The Wildcats have yet to face anyone with Javon Ringer’s talent.
Tony Mandarich 34, Tony Randall 20
Arizona State (2-3) at No. 9 USC (3-1), 3:30 p.m., ABC
Subtract the Trojans’ first half in Corvallis, and the defense is allowing 3.7 points per half. And the Devils may not have quarterback Rudy Carpenter? This could get even uglier than the 28-point spread.
Cindy McCain 51, Jimmy Kimmel 9
No. 17 Oklahoma State (5-0) at Missouri (5-0), 8 p.m., ESPN2
How do you compete against an offense that has yet to go 3-and-out on a series through five games? Keep them off the field. These two are each among the nation's top three scorign offenses, which means plenty of kickoffs, which means that sophomores Jeremy Maclin (Mizzou) and Dez Bryant (Cowboys) will get plenty of chances to run one back.
Sheryl Crows 38, Hanson 29
No. 3 LSU (4-0) at No. 12 Florida (4-1), 8 p.m., CBS
A chomp in the Swamp.
Tom Petty 20, Better Than Ezra 12
No. 6 Penn State (6-0) at No. 24 Wisconsin (3-2), 8 p.m., ESPN
Last week JoePa coached from the press box and boarded a private plane back to State College from West Lafayette rather than flying home with his victorious team. How far away are we from the day when the 81 year-old legend simply says, "Myeh, I'm just going to stay home and watch my shows this weekend"?
Kitties 23, Rodents 17
D-III Special: No. 4 Capital (4-0) at No. 1 Mount Union (4-0)
Mount Union, the most successful college football team in all of Ohio (9 national championships the past 15 seasons), has the nation's leading rusher (179.8 yards per game) in Nate Kmic. Capital has a quarterback who averages better than 300 yards passing per game and whose surname is better-known as an infamous license plate on Seinfeld.
Mount Union 43, Capital 39
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JW,
Luckily, I dont base my sportsbets on your picks of the week. I was 5-3 this week trying to figure out which team you were picking based on your references. Not that I would bet or anything, that is illegal.
Since Cindy McCain straddles both sides of the fence in that match-up,
Will Ferrell v. Al Michaels makes a better rivalry. And I'm goin' with Al
because he believes in miracles...
Actually, R.R., I should have used, for the USC-ASU game, "Arash Markazi's Alma Mater 51, Arash Markazi's First College 9"