MATT DAMON, PROBLEM SOLVER
I love Matt Damon. Maybe not as much as Sara Silverman does, but I love him. I love his problem-solving ability. His deductive reasoning aptitude. Whether he's telling off my old high school football teammate, Scott Winters, in the bar scene from Good Will Hunting or the dude from the NSA ("Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot..."). Whether he's solving calculus problems in Professor Lambeau's office or crafting oil pipeline solutions in a sand dune for Prince Nasir in Syriana.
An excellent film, Syriana, by the way. Not a great makeout film (like, say, Frost/Nixon), but compelling. And nothing is more watchable than the scene between Nasir and Damon's Bryan Woodman in which our hero literally crouches down and draws a line in the sand to provide one great idea as Nasir's new "economic advisor". This happens right after this spirited monologue:
But what do you need a financial advisor for? Twenty years ago you had the highest GNP in the world, now you're tied with Albania. So, good job. Your second largest export is secondhand goods, followed closely by dates for which you lose five cents a pound. You know what the business world thinks of you? They think a hundred years ago you were living in tents out here in the desert chopping each other's heads off and that's exactly where you'll be in another hundred years- so on behalf of my firm, yes, I accept your money.
(I promise...there's a football-related point coming)
Anyway, I wish that I had Matt Damon's skills of argument. Or his bank account. Maybe someone who cares about Notre Dame football could retain Damon's services and have him deliver the following spiel to the Fighting Irish coaching staff:
"What do you need an offensive advisor for? Two years ago you were 16th in the nation in scoring and last year you were 116th. And last week you were shut out for the third time in the past nineteen games. Bob Davie was only shut out once in five seasons, and that was with a back-up quarterback at USC. And he was a defensive coach. Lou Holtz was shut out once in eleven seasons--at Miami. Who won the national championship that year.
"So, yeah, why do you need to take my advice?
"But since you asked...I notice that you seem to have a problem with your running game. And I noticed that the two longest runs from scrimmage this season--and I don't mean what Harrison Smith does on fake punts--have come courtesy of Golden Tate. Who plays wide receiver. And who, by the way, has had three rushing plays all season.
"So here's an idea. Why not hand the ball off more to Golden Tate? I know, I know, if only he had some experience playing running back. Oh, wait, yeah, that's the position he played in high school. So maybe he'd pick it up pretty quickly.
"But then, at least on the plays you lined him up in the backfield--and I'm not saying have him do that exclusively--you'd need to put someone else at wideout. If only the wide receiver position had depth. What? It's the deepest position on the team? Interesting.
"Does anyone run harder with the ball on your team than Golden Tate? Did you see the 3rd-and-17 play at Michigan State? Have not two of his three rushes gone for 20-plus yards? Sure, they were end-around plays designed to surprise the defense, but can you tell me that he isn't the best pure runner on your team? Not to mention the fastest (after David Bruton)?
"Currently, if you go purely by his receptions, carries and punt returns, he's touching the ball six times per game. Even if you add in the kickoff returns (you're playing with fire on those, by the way), it's only eight times per game. You think Pitt would be 7-2 if LeSean McCoy got eight touches per game? Michigan State 8-2 if Javon Ringer got eight touches per game?
"So, yeah, you're squandering your greatest offensive resource at the expense of your scheme. And where has that gotten you? And maybe if defenses had to worry more about your most potent weapon, your other weapons--Michael Floyd, Kyle Rudolph, Duval Kamara, Armando Allen, your QB, even your O-line--would suddenly be more dangerous.
"So, yes, on behalf of myself and my firm, I accept your money."
****************
By the way, Matt Damon wasn't always so proficient at solving problems...if you've seen School Ties, you know what I mean.
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Not so bad of a "House" immitation either :-)
I like the parallel, but if somebody pulls out one of Jimmy Clausen's fingernails, I point the blame straight at Dubs.
Saw somebody had projected Notre Dame for a 6-6 record and a trip ... to the Motor City Bowl.
I personally prefer the "never look a gifthorse in the mouth" analogy (it's
not quite as circuitous) but I've never really understood what that phrase
means.
Maybe the Talented Mr. Ripley could solve that problem too.
Looking a gift horse in the mouth means that you don't analyze the quality of something that is given to you for free. When purchsing a horse people look at the condition of its mouth to tell how old it is, how good its health is and how it has been handled by the previous owner.
Not football related, but nonetheless, an answer to the above question.