Critics and bitter ex-players-turned-dreadful-announcers love to bash the MLB All-Star game, lamenting how it's not as great as it used to be. Fine, although I'll take what Josh Hamilton did last night every day of the week and twice on Sunday, even if it wasn't technically the game. But rather than worry about useless arguments that accomplish nothing, let’s debate something far more relevant and timeless: who makes the starting lineup for the Baseball Movie All-Stars.

A couple of ground rules before we start.

• No real-life characters, so anyone from Eight Men Out is off the list, even though Cusack was money as Buck Weaver.
• No one who plays himself is eligible, so no Griffey from Little Big League, although that egregious baserunning error on the hidden-ball trick might have kept him off the team anyway.
• Former players who play fictional characters are allowed.

Here’s the squad, organized by batting order…

CF: Willie Mays Hayes, Major League

Credentials: Hit like Mays and ran like Hayes…Cut the rug outside the stadium after he made the team…Beat two guys in a 100-yard dash wearing his pajamas after they had a 20-yard head start…Led off the season by knocking the crap out of a 78-foot dribbler…Had the movie equivalent of the Dave Roberts Stolen Base…Scored from second on a bunt (a poor bunt at that).

Says it all: “I bought 100 of these. One for every base I’m gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step towards the Hall of Fame.”

Also considered: Mae Mordabito, A League Of Their Own; Ahmad Abdul Rahim, Bad News Bears

2B: Marla Hooch, A League Of Their Own

Credentials: Had an eeeyyyyyye like DiMaggio…Not afraid to booze it up and sing on stage at a local roadhouse...Might have had the shortest engagement of all-time before marrying that dude like three weeks (and one montage) later.

Says it all: “And there’s Marla Hooch…what a hitter!”

Also considered: Mickey Scales, Little Big League (But before his big homer in the one-game playoff, he asked the manager if he wanted him to hit. No one does that.)